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JACKXKAISEBKIIim 


C  Ring  w  Lardncr 


LIBRARY 

THE  UNIVERSITY 
OF  CALIFORNIA 

SANTA  BARBARA 

PRESENTED  BY 

Professor  George  Iiand 
UC3B 


TREAT    EM   ROUGH 

LETTERS  FROM 

JACK   THE   KAISER   KILLER 


/  By 

RING  W.  LARDNER 

AUTHOR  OF 

My  Four  Weeks  in  France,  Gullible's  Travels,  Etc. 


ILLUSTKATED  BT 

FRANK  CRERIE 


INDIANAPOLIS 

THE  BOBBS-MERRILL  COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS 

"     In 


Copyright  1918 
Thh  Bobbs-Mebrill  Compant 


PRIM  or 

•  BAUNWOBTH    tL    CO. 

•  OOK    MANUfACTUBER* 

■  ROOKLYN.     N.     V. 


TREAT    EM  ROUGH 

LETTERS  FROM 

JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER 


JA.CK  THE  KAISER  KILLER 

Camp  Grant,  Sept.  23. 

T^RIEND  AL:    Well  Al  I  am  writeing  this 
"^  in   the   recreation   room   at   our   barracks 

and  they's  about  20  other  of  the  boys  writeing 
letters  and  I  will  bet  some  of  the  letters  is  rich 
because  half  of  the  boys  can't  talk  english  to  say 
nothing  about  writeing  letters  and  etc.  We  got 
a  fine  bunch  in  my  Co.  Al  and  its  a  cinch  I  won't 
never  die  in  the  trenchs  because  I  will  be  mur- 
dered in  my  bed  before  we  ever  get  out  of  here 
only  they  don't  call  it  bed  in  the  army. 
They  call  it  bunk  and  no  wonder. 
Well  Al  I  have  been  here  since  Wed.  night  and 
now  it  is  Sunday  and  this  is  the  first  time  I  have 
not  felt  sick  since  we  got  here  and  even  at  that 
my  left  arm  is  so  sore  it  is  pretty  near  killing 
me  where  I  got  vacinated.  Its  a  good  thing  I 
am  not  a  left  hander  Al  or  I  couldn't  get  a  ball 
up  to  the  plate  but  of  course  I  don't  have  to 
think  of  that  now  because  I  am  out  of  baseball 
now  and  in  the  big  game  but  at  that  I  guess  a 
left  hander  could  get  along  just  as  good  with  a 
sore  arm  because  I  never  seen  one  of  them  yet 
that  could  break  a  pain  of  glass  with  their  fast 

9 


10  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

ball  and  if  they  didn't  have  all  the  luck  in  the 
world  the}^  would  be  rideing  around  the  country 
in  a  side  door  Pullman  with  all  their  baggage  on. 

Speaking  about  baseball  Al  I  suppose  you  seen 
where  the  White  Sox  have  cinched  the  penant  and 
they  will  be  splitting  the  world  serious  money 
while  I  am  drawing  $30.00  per  mo.  from  the 
Govmt.  but  50  yrs,  from  now  the  kids  will  all  stop 
me  on  the  st.  and  make  me  tell  them  what  hotel 
we  sta3^ed  at  in  Berlin  and  when  Cicotte  and 
Faber  and  Russell  begins  to  talk  about  what  they 
done  to  the  Giants  everybody  will  have  themself 
paged  and  walk  out. 

Well  Al  a  lot  of  things  come  off  since  the  last 
time  I  wrote  to  you.  We  left  Chi  Wed.  noon 
and  you  ought  to  seen  the  crowd  down  to  the 
Union  station  to  bid  us  good  by.  Everybodys 
wifes  and  sisters  and  mothers  was  there  and  they 
was  all  crying  in  40  different  languages  and  the 
women  wasn't  allowed  through  the  gates  so  fare- 
well kisses  was  swapped  between  the  iron  spokes 
in  the  gates  and  some  of  the  boys  was  still  getting 
smacked  yet  when  the  train  started  to  pull  out 
and  it  looked  like  a  bunch  of  them  would  get  left 
and  if  they  had  I'll  say  their  wifes  would  of  been 
in  tough  luck. 

Of  course  wife  Florrie  and  little  son  Al  was  there 
and  Florrie  was  all  dressed  up  like  a  horse  and  I 
bet  a  lot  of  them  other  birds  wished  they  was  in  my 


Florrie  was  all  dressed  up  like  a  horse  and  I  bet 

a  lot  of  them  other  birds  wished  they 

was  in  my  shoes  (p.  10). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  13 

shoes  when  the  kissing  battle  begun.  Well  Al  we 
both  blubbered  a  little  but  Florrie  says  she  mustn't 
cry  to  hard  or  she  would  have  to  paternize  her 
own  beauty  parlors  because  crying  makes  a  girl 
look  like  she  had  pitched  a  double  header  in  St. 
Louis  or  something.  But  I  don't  know  if  you 
will  believe  it  or  not  but  little  Al  didn't  even 
wimper.  How  is  that  for  a  game  bird  and  only 
3  yrs.  old.? 

Well  Al  some  alderman  or  somebody  had  got  a 
lot  of  arm  bandages  made  for  us  with  the  words 
Kaiser  KiUers  printed  on  them  and  they  was  also 
signs  stuck  on  the  different  cars  on  the  train  like 
Berlin  or  Bust  and  etc.  and  the  Stars  and  Strips 
was  flying  from  the  back  platforms  so  we  cer- 
tainly looked  like  regular  soldiers  even  without 
no  uniforms  and  I  guess  if  Van  Hindburg  and 
them  could  of  seen  us  you  wouldn't  of  needed  a 
close  line  no  more  to  take  their  chest  measure. 

Well  all  our  bunch  come  from  the  south  side 
and  of  course  some  of  them  was  fans  and  the 
first  thing  you  know  they  had  rae  spotted  and 
they  all  wanted  to  shake  hands  and  I  had  a  smile 
for  all  of  them  because  I  have  got  it  doped  out 
that  we  are  all  fighting  for  Uncle  Sam  and  a  man 
ought  to  forget  who  you  are  and  what  you  are 
and  be  on  friendly  turns  with  everybody  tiU  after 
the  war. 

Well  Al  they  had  told  us  to  not  bring  much  bag- 


14  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

gage  and  some  of  the  boys  come  without  even  their 
tooth  brush  but  they  hadn't  some  of  them  forgot 
to  fetch  a  qt.  bottle  and  by  the  time  we  got  out- 
side of  the  city  hmits  the  engineer  didn't  have 
to  blow  his  whistle  to  leave  people  know  we  were 
comeing.  Somebody  had  a  cornet  and  another 
fellow  had  a  trombone  and  a  couple  of  them  had 
mouth  organs  and  we  all  sung  along  with  them 
and  we  sung  patriotic  songs  like  Jonah  Vark  and 
Over  There  and  when  they  started  on  the  Star 
Spangled  Banner  the  guy  I  was  setting  along  side 
of  him  hollered  for  them  to  not  play  that  one 
and  I  thought  he  was  a  pro  German  or  something 
and  I  was  going  to  bust  him  but  somebody  asked 
him  why  shouldn't  they  play  it  and  he  says  be- 
cause he  couldn't  stand  up  and  he  wasn't  the  only 
one  either  Al. 

The  train  stopped  at  a  burg  called  Aurora  and 
a  bunch  of  the  boys  needed  air  so  they  got  off, 
some  of  them  head  first  and  one  bird  layed  down 
on  the  station  platform  and  says  he  had  changed 
his  mind  about  going  to  war  and  he  was  going 
to  sleep  there  a  while  and  catch  the  first  train 
back  to  Chi  so  we  picked  him  up  and  throwed 
him  back  on'  our  train  and  told  him  we  would 
have  the  engineer  back  up  to  Clii  and  drop  him 
off  and  he  says  O.  K.  and  of  course  the  train 
started  ahead  again  but  he  didn't  know  if  we  was 
going  or  comeing  or  looping  the  loop. 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  15 

Well  the  trombone  blower  finely  blowed  himself 
to  a  nap  and  while  he  was  asleep  a  little  guy 
snuck  the  trombone  away  from  him  and  says 
"Look  here  boys  I  am  willing  to  give  my  life  for 
Uncle  Sam  but  I  am  not  going  to  die  to  no  trom- 
bone music."  So  he  throwed  the  trombone  out 
of  the  window  without  opening  the  window  and 
the  guy  woke  up  that  owned  it  and  the  next  thing 
you  know  the  Kaiser  Killers  was  in  their  first 
battle. 

Well  Al  by  the  time  we  got  to  Camp  Grant 
some  of  the  boys  looked  like  they  was  just  come- 
ing  from  the  war  instead  of  just  going  and  I 
guess  I  was  about  the  only  one  that  was  O.  K. 
because  I  know  how  to  handle  it  but  I  had  eat 
some  sandwiches  that  a  wop  give  me  on  the  train 
and  they  must  of  been  poisoned  or  something  be- 
cause when  I  got  off  everything  looked  kind  of 
blured. 

We  was  met  by  a  bunch  of  officers  in  uniform. 
The  guy  that  had  throwed  the  trombone  away 
had  both  eyes  swelled  shut  and  a  officer  had  to 
lead  him  to  the  head  quarters  and  I  heard  the 
officer  ask  him  if  he  was  bringing  any  liquor  into 
the  camp  and  he  says  yes  all  he  could  carry,  but 
the  officer  meant  did  he  have  a  bottle  of  it  and  he 
says  No  he  had  one  but  a  big  swede  stuck  his 
head  in  front  of  it  and  it  broke. 

Over  to  the  head  quarters  they  give  us  a  couple 


16  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

of  blankets  a  peace  and  then  they  split  us  up 
into  Cos.  and  showed  us  our  barracks  and  they 
said  we  looked  like  we  needed  sleep  and  we  better 
go  to  bed  right  after  supper  because  we  would 
have  to  get  down  to  hard  work  the  next  a.m.  and 
I  was  willing  to  go  to  bed  without  no  supper  after 
eating  them  dam  sandwichs  and  the  next  time 
them  wops  trys  to  slip  me  something  to  eat  or 
drink  I  will  hang  one  on  their  jaw. 

Well  Al  the  buggle  has  blowed  for  mess  which 
is  what  they  call  the  meals  and  you  would  know 
why  if  you  eat  some  of  them  so  I  will  close  for  this 
time  and  save  the  rest  for  the  next  time  and  my 
address  is  Co.  C.  399th.  Infantry,  Camp  Grant, 
HI. 

your  Pal,  Jack. 


Camp  Geant,  Sept.  24. 

T?  RIEND  AL:    Well  Al  they   give  us   some 
-^  work  out  today  and  I  am  pretty  tired  but 

they's  no  use  going  to  bed  till  9  o'clock  which 
is  the  time  they  blow  the  buggle  for  the  men  to 
shut  up  their  noise.  They  do  everything  by 
buggies  here.  They  get  you  up  at  a  quarter  to 
6  which  is  first  call  and  you  got  to  dress  in  15 
minutes  because  they  blow  the  assembly  buggle  at 
6  and  then  comes  the  revelry  buggle  and  then 
you  eat  breakfast  and  so  on  till  11  p.  m.  when  they 
blow  the  taps  buggle  and  that  means  everybody 
has  got  to  put  their  lights  out  and  go  to  sleep 
just  as  if  a  man  couldn't  go  to  sleep  without 
music  and  any  way  a  whole  lot  of  the  boys  go  to 
sleep  before  11  because  with  so  many  of  us  here 
how  could  the  officers  tell  if  we  waited  for  the 
buggle  or  didn't  wait  for  it? 

Well  Al  about  all  we  done  the  first  3  days  was 
try  and  get  the  place  to  looking  like  something 
because  the  men  that  built  the  buildings  was  to 
lazy  to  clean  up  after  themself  and  I  wouldn't  of 
minded  only  for  feeling  so  bad  all  day  Thursday 
on  acct.  of  that  sandwich  and  Friday  I  felt  rotten 
because  a  Dr.  vacinated  me  and  fixed  me  up  so 
as  I  can't  catch  small  pox  or  tyford  fever  and 

17 


18  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

I  would  rather  have  the  both  of  them  the  same 
day  then  have  that  bird  work  on  me  again. 

Thursday  a.m.  after  breakfast  a  bunch  of  us 
went  to  the  Drs.  and  they  give  us  a  physical 
examination  and  before  the  Dr.  examined  me  he 
says  "Well  is  they  anything  the  matter  with  you 
outside  of  a  headache?"  So  I  said  "How  do  you 
know  I  got  a  headache"  and  he  says  because  they 
was  a  epidemic  of  them  in  the  camp.  Well  Al 
I  could  of  told  him  why  only  of  course  I  wouldn't 
squeel  on  the  rest  of  the  boys  so  all  I  told  him 
was  about  me  eating  that  sandwich  and  he  says 
all  the  boys  must  of  eat  them  and  that  shows  how 
much  them  wise  Drs.  knows. 

Well  of  course  he  didn't  find  nothing  the  matter 
with  me  physicly  and  he  says  I  was  a  fine  specimen 
and  the  next  place  I  went  was  to  the  head  quarters 
or  something  where  they  give  us  our  uniforms 
and  you  ought  to  see  me  in  mine  Al  only  the 
shoes  is  6  sizes  to  big  and  I  made  a  holler  about 
it  but  the  man  says  they  wouldn't  be  so  big  after 
I  had  wore  them  a  while.  They  must  be  fine  shoes 
that  will  srink  Al  because  all  the  shoes  I  ever 
seen  the  more  you  wear  them  they  get  bigger. 
They  give  us  each  2  pair  shoes  one  to  march  in 
with  cleats  on  the  bottom  and  a  hat  and  a  hat 
cord  and  5  pair  sox  and  2  shirts  and  a  belt  and  3 
suits  under  wear  and  2  cocky  suits. 

And  we  had  to   tell   our   family  history   to   a 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  19 

personal  officer  that  writes  down  all  about  you 
on  a  card  and  what  kind  of  work  you  done  before 
so  if  the  General  or  somebody  tears  their  pants 
they  won't  have  to  chase  all  over  the  camp  and 
page  a  taylor  because  they  can  look  at  the  cards 
and  find  out  who  use  to  be  a  taylor  and  send  for 
him  to  sow  them  up. 

A  lot  of  the  boys  give  this  officer  a  song  and 
dance  about  how  good  they  can  drive  a  car  and 
etc.  so  they  can  get  a  soft  snap  like  driveing  one 
of  the  officers  cars  and  I  could  of  got  some  kind 
of  a  snap  only  I  come  here  to  be  a  soldier  and 
fight  Germans  and  not  mend  their  pants. 

The  officer  asked  me  my  name  and  age  and  etc. 
and  what  I  done  in  civil  life  so  I  said  "I  guess 
you  don't  read  the  sporting  page."  So  he  says 
"Oh  are  you  a  fighter  or  something?"  So  I  said 
"1  am  a  fighter  now  but  I  use  to  pitch  for  the 
White  Sox."  So  then  he  asked  me  what  I  done 
before  that  so  I  told  him  I  was  with  Terre  Haute 
in  the  Central  League  and  Comiskey  heard  about 
me  and  bought  me  and  then  he  sent  me  out  to 
Frisco  for  a  while  and  I  stood  that  league  on  their 
head  and  then  he  got  me  back  and  I  been  with 
him  about  3  years. 

So  the  officer  asked  me  if  I  ever  done  anything 
besides  pitch  so  I  told  him  about  the  day  I  played 
the  outfield  in  Terre  Haute  when  Burns  and 
Stewart  shut  their  eyes  going  after  a  fly  ball  and 


20  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

their  skulls  come  together  and  it  sounded  like  a 
freight  wreck  and  they  was  both  layed  out  so  I 
and  Lefty  Danvers  took  their  place  and  in  the 
8th.  inning  I  come  up  with  2  on  and  hit  a  curve 
ball  oif  big  Jack  Rowan  and  only  for  the  fence 
that  ball  wouldn't  of  made  no  stops  this  side  of 
Indpls. 

So  then  the  officer  says  "Yes  but  didn't  you 
do  something  when  you  wasn't  playing  ball?"  so 
I  told  him  a  pitcher  don't  have  to  do  nothing  only 
set  on  the  bench  or  hit  fungos  once  in  a  while  or 
warm  up  when  it  looks  like  the  guy  in  there  is 
beggining  to  wobble.  So  he  says  "Well  I  guess 
I  will  put  you  down  as  a  pitcher  and  when  we 
need  one  in  a  hurry  we  will  know  where  to  find 
one."  But  I  don't  know  when  they  would  need 
a  pitcher  Al  unless  it  was  to  throw  one  of  them 
bombs  and  believe  me  when  it  comes  to  doing  that 
I  will  make  a  sucker  out  of  the  rest  of  these  birds 
because  if  my  arm  feels  O.K.  they's  nobody  got 
better  control  and  if  they  tell  me  to  stick  one 
in  a  German's  right  eye  that  is  where  I  will  put 
it  and  not  in  their  stomach  or  miss  them  all  to- 
gether like  I  was  a  left  hander  or  something. 

Well  Al  we  done  a  little  training  Friday  and 
Saturday  but  today  was  the  first  day  we  realy 
went  to  it.  First  of  course  we  got  up  and  dressed 
and  then  they  was  10  minutes  of  what  they  call 
upseting  exercises  and  then  come  breakfast  which 


Shut  their  eyes  going  after  a  fly  ball,  their  skulls 

came  together  and  it  sounded  like 

a  freight  wreck  (p.  20). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  23 

was  oatmeal  and  steak  and  bread  and  coffee.  The 
way  it  is  now  you  got  to  get  your  own  dishs 
and  go  up  to  the  counter  and  wait  on  yourself 
but  of  course  we  will  have  waiters  when  things 
gets  more  settled.  You  also  got  to  make  your 
own  bed  and  that  won't  never  kill  nobody  AI 
because  all  as  we  got  is  2  blankets  and  you  don't 
have  to  leave  the  bed  open  all  a.m.  like  at  home 
because  whatever  air  wanted  to  get  in  wouldn't 
let  these  blankets  stop  it. 

Then  they  give  us  an  hour  of  drilling  and  that 
was  duck  soup  for  me  on  acct.  of  the  drilling 
we  done  on  the  ball  club  last  spring  and  you 
ought  to  seen  the  corporal  and  sargent  open  their 
eyes  when  they  seen  me  salute  and  etc.  but  some 
of  the  birds  don't  know  their  right  from  their  left 
and  the  officers  had  to  put  a  stick  of  wood  in 
their  right  hand  so  they  would  know  it  was  their 
right  hand  and  imagine  if  some  of  them  was  ball 
players  and  played  left  field.  They  would  have 
to  hire  a  crossing  policeman  to  tell  them  where 
to  go  to  get  to  their  position  and  if  they  was 
pitchers  they  wouldn't  know  if  they  was  right 
hand  pitchers  or  left  hand  pitchers  till  they  be- 
gun to  pitch  and  then  they  would  know  because 
if  they  were  hog  wild  they  would  be  left  banders. 

The  corporals  and  sargents  come  from  the 
regular  army  but  after  a  while  Capt.  Nash  will 
pick  some  of  us  out  to  take  their  place  and  it  is 


»4  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

a  cinch  I  will  be  picked  out  on  acct.  of  knowing 
all  about  the  drills  etc. 

The  next  thing  was  a  lecture  on  what  they 
could  do  to  us  if  we  got  stewed  or  something 
and  how  to  treat  the  officers  and  we  got  to  sir 
them  and  salute  them  and  etc.  and  it  seems  kind 
of  funny  for  a  man  that  every  time  he  walked 
out  to  pitch  the  crowd  used  to  stand  up  and  yell 
and  I  never  had  to  sir  Rowland  or  Collins.  I'd 
knock  their  block  off  if  they  tried  to  make  me. 

WeU  every  time  we  wasn't  doing  something  else 
they  sprung  some  more  of  them  upseting  exercises 
on  us  and  I  called  the  corporal  to  one  side  and 
says  if  he  would  excuse  me  I  would  pass  up  some 
of  them  because  I  didn't  need  to  exercise  on  acct. 
of  playing  baseball  all  summer  and  besides  I  was 
tired  and  he  says  these  exercises  was  to  fix  me 
so  I  wouldn't  get  tired  and  he  made  me  go  through 
with  all  of  them.  How  is  that  for  brains  Al  and 
I  suppose  if  a  man  was  up  all  night  watching  a 
corpse  or  something  tliis  bird  would  make  you 
stay  awake  all  the  next  day  so  you  wouldn't  get 
sleepy. 

For  dinner  we  had  roast  chicken  and  sweet 
potatoes  and  cream  corn  and  biscuits  and  coffee 
and  for  supper  they  was  bake  beans  with  tomato 
sauce  and  bread  and  pudding  and  cake  and  coffee 
and  the  grub  is  pretty  fair  only  a  man  can't 
enjoy  it  because  you  got  to  eat  to  fast  because 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  25 

if  theys  anything  left  on  your  plate  when  the 
rest  of  them  birds  gets  through  you  got  to  fight 
to  keep  it  from  going  to  the  wrong  address.  WeU 
Al  its  pretty  near  time  for  the  tattoo  buggle 
which  means  the  men  has  got  to  shut  up  and  keep 
quiet  so  I  am  going  to  get  ready  for  bed  but  I 
don't  know  if  I  would  rather  have  them  keep  quiet 
or  not  because  when  they  are  keeping  quiet  you 
don't  know  what  they  are  up  to  and  maybe  they 
are  snooping  a  round  somewheres  waiting  for  a 
man  to  go  to  sleep  so  they  can  cut  your  throat. 
Some  of  them  has  been  use  to  doing  it  all  their 
life  Al  and  they  are  beggining  to  miss  it.  But  I 
don't  know  if  I  wouldn't  just  as  leave  die  that 
way  as  from  them  upseting  exercises. 

Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Geant,  Sept.  26. 

J^RIEND  AL:   Well  Al  don't  be  surprised  if 
"^  you  pick  up  the  paper  some  a.m.  and  see 

where  I'm  gone  and  you  may  think  I  am  just 
jokeing  Al  but  I  am  telling  you  the  truth  and 
I  am  glad  Florrie  is  fixed  so  she  can  make  a  liveing 
for  herself  and  little  Al  because  I  wouldn't  bet  a 
nickle  I  will  be  alive  by  the  time  this  gets  to  you. 
I  guess  I  all  ready  told  you  the  kind  of  birds 
we  got  in  our  Co.  Well  the  worst  one  in  the 
bunch  is  a  guy  named  Sebastian  and  of  course 
he  would  have  to  be  the  one  that  got  the  bunk 
next  to  mine.  Well  Al  you  remember  me  writeing 
to  you  about  the  little  runt  that  throwed  that 
guy's  trombone  away,  well  his  name  is  Lahey  but 
we  call  him  Shorty  on  acct.  of  him  being  so  short. 
Well  I  hadn't  payed  much  attention  to  this  here 
Sebastian  because  he  has  always  got  a  grouch 
and  don't  say  nothing  only  to  mumble  at  the 
officers  when  they  ask  him  some  question  but 
Shorty  knows  him  and  last  night  he  told  me  all 
about  him  and  he  has  been  pinched  50  times  for 
stabbing  people  but  he  has  got  some  pull  or  some- 
thing and  they  can't  never  do  nothing  to  him 
except  once  he  served  a  turn  at  Joliet  for  cutting 
off  a  guy's  ears  because  he  wouldn't  get  up  and 

27 


28  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

give  him  a  seat  on  a  st.  car.  He  has  always  got 
a  knife  hid  on  him  somewheres  and  his  first  name 
is  Nick  so  they  call  him  Nick  the  Blade  on  acct. 
of  always  haveing  a  knife  on  him, 

I  don't  know  if  I  told  you  or  not  but  we  got 
a  shed  outside  of  the  barracks  with  shower  baths 
and  etc.  and  everybody  is  supposed  to  take  baths 
and  keep  themself  clean  and  of  course  its  a 
pleasure  for  a  man  like  I  because  I  got  use  to 
takeing  them  every  day  after  the  game  and  I 
don't  feel  right  unless  I  am  clean  but  some  of  the 
birds  hollered  like  a  Indian  the  first  time  the  of- 
ficers made  them  get  under  the  shower  and  you 
would  think  they  never  seen  water  before  and  I 
guess  some  of  them  hadn't  because  when  they  come 
out  afterwards  the  officers  had  to  ask  them  their 
name. 

Well  Al  I  was  takeing  a  bath  yesterday  and 
this  big  Nick  bird  was  standing  there  striped  and 
he  couldn't  get  up  the  nerve  to  step  under  the 
shower  and  Corporal  Daly  come  up  behind  him 
and  give  him  a  shove  under  the  water  and  he  give 
a  bellow  that  you  could  hear  from  here  to  Rock- 
ford  and  I  didn't  know  who  he  was  then  and  I 
couldn't  help  from  laughing  and  he  seen  me  but 
he  didn't  say  nothing  and  I  wouldn't  of  thought 
no  more  about  it  only  for  what  Shorty  told  me 
afterwards.  Well  Shorty  was  there  to  and  he 
laughed  at  him  to  but  Nick  didn't  see  him  but  he 


I'm  glad  Florrie  is  fixed  so's  she  can  make  a  living, 
for  herself  and  Uttle  Al  (p.  27). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  31 

seen  me  and  Shorty  says  I  better  keep  my  eyes 
pealed  because  Nick  wouldn't  think  no  more  of 
stabbing  a  man  then  picking  his  teeth  and  if  theys 
one  thing  he  won't  stand  for  its  somebody  laugh- 
ing at  him. 

Well  I  been  keeping  my  eyes  pealed  all  right 
and  I  kept  them  pealed  all  night  last  night  but 
I  can't  stay  awake  all  night  every  night  and  the 
first  time  I  doze  off  it  will  probably  be  the  last 
time. 

Sebastian  hasn't  spoke  to  nobody  or  looked  at 
nobody  today  and  when  a  man  acts  like  that  it 
means  they  are  makeing  plans.  Well  Al  I  only 
wish  he  was  planning  to  dessert  from  the  army 
and  if  I  seen  him  trying  to  make  his  get  away  I 
wouldn't  blow  no  buggle  to  wake  up  the  guards. 
I'll  say  I  wouldn't  Al. 

I  pretty  near  forgot  to  tell  you  that  Teddy 
Roosevelt  was  here  today  over  looking  us  and  he 
made  a  speech  but  they  was  about  20  thousand 
for  him  to  talk  to  and  I  was  a  mile  away  and 
couldn't  hear  nothing  but  I  suppose  he  told  the 
boys  they  was  fine  physical  specimens  and  etc. 
WeU  Al  that  stuff  is  O.K.  but  if  I  wasn't  a  fine 
physical  specimen  I  might  be  somewheres  where 
I  could  go  to  sleep  without  some  stabber  waiting 
to  carve  their  initials  in  my  Adams  apple. 

Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Sept.  29. 

77'  RIEND  AL:  Well  old  pal  you  see  I  am  still 
-^  alive  and  I  guess  that  is  because  by  the 

time  night  comes  a  round  Nick  the  Blade  is  all 
wore  out  with  them  upseting  exercises  and  etc. 
and  hasn't  got  enough  strenth  left  to  carve  no- 
body or  maybe  he  has  figured  out  the  truth  which 
is  that  I  wasn't  realy  laughing  at  him  Al  but 
when  I  am  takeing  a  bath  I  feel  so  good  that  I 
am  libel  to  bust  out  laughing  at  nothing  you 
might  say. 

But  Sebastian  isn't  the  only  bird  I  got  to  watch 
now  Al  because  last  night  they  sprung  a  new  one 
on  me  and  he  just  come  into  the  camp  yesterday 
and  the  man  that  was  sleeping  on  the  other  side 
of  me  is  sick  in  the  infirmiary  so  they  stuck  this 
new  one  in  his  bunk  and  now  I  got  them  on  both 
sides  and  I  don't  know  which  is  the  worst  Nick 
or  him  because  this  one  wispers  all  night  and  it 
would  be  O.K.  if  he  was  wispering  in  his  sleep  or 
wispering  to  himself  but  he  isn't. 

I  didn't  turn  in  till  11  and  Nick  was  buzzing 
away  like  a  saw  buck  and  I  figured  on  getting 
some  sleep  myself  but  I  hadn't  no  sooner  layed 
down  when  the  wispering  begun  on  the  other  side. 


34  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

First  I  didn't  catch  what  he  was  trying  to  get 
at  but  I  heard  him  the  second  time  all  right  and 
he  says  "Do  you  want  me  to  kill?"  Well  Al  for 
2  or  3  minutes  I  couldn't  get  enough  strenth  up 
to  turn  over  and  look  at  him  but  the  next  time 
he  repeated  it  over  again  I  couldn't  stand  it  no 
more  so  I  said  "Are  you  talking  to  me?"  And 
what  do  you  think  he  said  Al?  He  says  "I  am 
talking  to  God." 

Well  Al  the  connection  couldn't  of  been  very 
good  you  might  say  because  he  kept  asking  the 
same  question  over  and  over  and  not  getting  no 
answer  but  how  was  I  to  know  when  the  party 
at  the  other  end  would  speak  up  and  maybe  say 
yes  and  they  wasn't  nobody  closer  to  him  then 
me  for  him  to  work  on  so  you  can  see  what  a 
fine  nights  rest  I  got  Al  and  this  a.m.  I  told 
Shorty  Lahey  about  him  and  sure  enough  Al  the 
bird  is  a  gun  man  named  Tom  the  Trigger  and 
Shorty  says  he  is  a  nut  that  thinks  he  is  aces  up 
with  the  all  mighty  and  some  times  he  imagines 
that  they  are  telling  him  to  go  ahead  and  shoot 
and  then  he  takes  aim  at  whoever  is  handy. 

Well  Al  this  was  inspections  day  and  everybody 
was  supposed  to  have  a  clean  shave  and  their  hair 
brushed  and  all  their  buttons  sowed  on  and  their 
beds  made  up  neat  and  their  shoes  and  mess  kits 
shinned  bright  and  etc.  and  Capt.  Nash  and  the 
lieuts.  give  us  all  the  double  O  and  some  of  the 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  35 

boys  got  a  nice  little  baling  out  for  the  way  they 
looked  but  I  looked  like  a  soldier  ought  to  look 
Al  and  didn't  give  them  no  chance  to  ball  me 
out. 

But  what  difference  is  it  going  to  make  Al  for 
me  to  look  good  and  have  things  neat  when  I  am 
sleeping  between  a  man  that  if  he  can  ever  stay 
awake  till  I  doze  off  he  will  dig  a  trench  system 
in  my  chest  with  a  stilleto  and  on  the  other  side 
of  me  they's  a  bird  that  the  minute  the  lord  says 
Fire  he  will  make  me  look  like  a  soup  strainer. 
It  don't  hardly  seem  like  its  worth  while  to  be 
strick  about  looks  when  sooner  or  later  they  are 
bound  to  muss  me  and  my  bed  both  up. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Oct.  3. 

jn^RIEND  AL:   Well  old  pal  I  just  got  some 
-^  good  news  and  this  it  is  Al.    Next  Saturday 

they  are  going  to  let  some  of  the  boys  go  home  on 
leave  and  I  asked  Corporal  Daly  to  fix  it  up  for 
me  to  go  and  he  says  he  didn't  know  if  he  could 
or  not  because  most  of  the  ones  that's  going  is 
men  that  has  been  here  a  mo.  or  more  but  on 
acct.  of  me  haveing  been  with  the  White  Sox 
they  fixed  it  so  as  I  could  go  and  the  world  serious 
opens  up  in  Chi  Saturday  and  I  won't  get  away 
from  here  till  Saturday  noon  so  I  can't  get  there 
for  the  first  game  but  I  will  see  the  Sunday  game 
and  won't  Gleason  and  them  pop  their  eyes  out 
when  I  go  down  to  the  bench  with  my  cocky  suit 
on  and  shake  hands  with  them  and  I  bet  Rowland 
will  wish  I  was  wearing  the  White  Sox  uniform 
instead  of  Uncle  Sam's  uniform. 

Well  Al  I  can't  hardly  wait  to  get  home  and 
see  Florrie  and  little  Al  and  of  course  I  will  see 
them  Saturday  night  and  I  will  take  them  to  the 
game  Sunday  and  leave  for  back  here  after  the 
game  because  a  man  has  got  to  be  back  in  camp 
at  11  Sunday  night  and  the  funny  part  is  that 
Florrie  was  going  to  bring  little  Al  and  come  and 

37 


38  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

see  me  next  Sunday  but  now  I  am  going  to  see 
her  and  I  have  wrote  her  to  not  come. 

Well  I  am  feeling  to  good  to  go  to  bed  but 
that  is  where  I  ought  to  be  Al  because  I  wasn't 
never  so  tired  in  my  life  because  they  hung  a  new 
one  on  us  this  p.m.  Instead  of  giveing  us  upseting 
exercises  from  a  quarter  to  4  till  a  quarter  after 
they  made  us  all  run  20  minutes  without  stopping 
and  they  says  it  was  to  improve  our  wind.  Well 
before  we  was  half  through  I  didn't  have  no  wind 
to  improve  and  I  suppose  some  day  they  will  pull 
all  our  teeth  so  as  we  can  chew  better.  At  that 
I  would  of  been  O.K.  only  my  feet  got  to  hurting 
and  now  I  can't  hardly  walk  and  all  because  the 
shoes  they  give  you  are  about  6  sizes  to  small 
and  they  keep  lectureing  us  about  feet  hygeine 
but  how  is  a  man  going  to  keep  your  feet  O.K. 
when  they  make  you  wear  shoes  that  Houdini 
couldn't  get  in  or  out  of  them. 

But  listen  Al  the  news  about  going  to  Chi  isn't 
the  only  peace  of  good  news  I  got  today  because 
I  also  found  out  that  this  bird  that  Shorty  called 
Tom  the  Trigger  isn't  no  gun  man  at  all  and  this 
here  Nick  the  Blade  won't  do  nothing  to  me  be- 
cause he  is  scared  of  the  officers  so  I  won't  have 
to  lay  awake  no  more  nights  worring  but  I  didn't 
find  it  out  till  today  and  here  is  how  it  come  off. 

This  A.M.  I  went  to  sleep  right  at  breakfast  and 
couldn't  keep  my   eyes  open   so   Corporal  Daly 


JACK  THE  KA.ISER  KILLER  39 

come  up  to  me  afterwards  and  asked  me  what  was 
the  matter   so   I  told  him  I  was   to  nervous   to 
sleep  nights  on  acct.  of  a  crazy  man  bunking  next 
to  me  and  any  minute  he  might  take  a  notion  and 
shoot  me  full  of  holes.    I  didn't  say  nothing  about 
Nick  the  Blade  on  the  other  side  of  me  because 
he   was    standing   where   he    could   hear   us.      So 
Corporal  Daly  asked  me  who  I  was  talking  about 
and  I  told  him  and  he  laughed  and  says  that  if 
I  waited   for   Castle  which  is   this   other  bird's 
name  to  start  shooting  I  would  probably  die  of 
old  age  or  something  because  he  is  one  of  these 
objecters  that  don't  beleive  in  war  and  he  told 
them  about  it  the  first  day  we  got  here  and  says 
he  objected  to  being  a  soldier.      So  Capt.  Nash 
asked  him  if  he  would  object  to  unloading  a  few 
cars  of  coal  and  that  is  what  he  has  been  doing 
up  and  till  last  Friday  and  then  he  begun  object- 
ing to  a  shovel  and  he  says  he  would  like  to  join 
the  rest  of  us  and  see  what  it  was  like  and  maybe 
he  would  loose  his  objections.     So  now  they  are 
giveing  him,  a  week  to  make  up  his  mind  what 
he  is  going  to  do  and  he  is  talking  it  over  all 
the  while  with  the  Lord  and  if  the  Lord  tells  him 
its  O.K.  to  kill  people  why  well  and  good  but 
he  won't  practice  on  us  because  in  the  first  place 
he  hasn't  no  gun  and  if  he  had  one  he  wouldn't 
know  if  it  was  to  shoot  with  or  stir  your  coffee. 
So   afterwards   I   told   Shorty   Lahey   he   had 


40  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

made  a  mistake  about  Castle  and  he  says  **AU 
right  and  if  he  is  a  objecter  it  is  up  to  us  to  talk 
him  out  of  it."  So  after  supper  tonight  Castle 
was  seting  right  near  me  in  the  recreation  room 
and  Shorty  come  up  to  him  and  says  "Well  Castle 
haven't  you  been  able  to  get  that  party  on  the 
wire  yet"  so  Castle  asked  him  what  he  meant  and 
he  says  he  heard  Castle  was  waiting  for  a  message 
from  somewheres  telling  him  if  he  should  be  a 
soldier  or  not  so  Castle  didn't  answer  and  begun 
to  read.  So  Shorty  says  "You  ain't  the  only 
one  that  objects  to  war  but  we  got  to  make  the 
world  safe  for  Democrats  and  you  shouldn't  ought 
to  object  to  getting  your  head  blowed  off  in  a 
good  cause."  So  Castle  spoke  up  and  said  he 
didn't  object  to  getting  killed  but  what  he  ob- 
jected to  was  killing  other  people.  So  Shorty 
says  "Well  then  all  you  got  to  do  is  stick  along 
side  of  me  in  the  trenches  and  when  you  get  orders 
to  go  over  the  top  you  can  slip  me  your  gun  and 
bayonet  and  I  will  see  that  they  don't  nobody 
sneak  off  with  them  dureing  your  absents."  So 
then  Castle  got  up  and  walked  out  on  us. 

So  I  says  to  Shorty  I  said,  "You  certainly 
had  the  wrong  dope  on  that  bird  and  maybe  you 
got  Sebastian  wrong  to."  So  he  says  *'No  I 
haven't  and  I  may  as  well  tell  you  what  he  told 
me  today.  He  told  me  he  would  of  cut  you  up 
in  slices  long  ago  only  if  he  done  it  here  in  the 


He  objected  to  being  a  soldier,  so  Capt.  Nash  asked  him 

if  he  would  object  to  unloading  a  few 

cars  of  coal  (p.  39). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  43 

camp  he  wouldn't  have  no  chance  to  make  his  get 
away  and  he  is  waiting  till  some  time  he  catchs 
you  outside  of  the  camp  and  then  he  will  go  to 
work  on  you.  And  if  I  was  you  and  a  married 
man  I  would  rather  get  it  here  then  in  France 
because  if  you  get  it  here  your  Mrs,  can  tend 
the  funeral  provide  it  they  find  enough  of  the 
slices  to  make  it  worth  while." 

Well  Al  he  has  got  a  sweet  chance  to  catch 
me  outside  of  the  camp  because  when  he  is  outside 
of  the  camp  I  will  be  inside  of  the  camp  and  I 
am  glad  I  found  out  the  truth  about  both  he  and 
Castle  and  now  maybe  I  can  get  some  sleep. 

So  all  and  all  I  feel  a  whole  lot  better  then 
I  did  only  for  my  feet  but  feet  or  no  feet  I  will 
enjoy  myself  in  Chi  and  I  only  wish  I  was  going 
tomorrow  instead  of  wait  till  Sat. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Oct.  7. 

rpRIEND  AL:  Well  Al  its  Sunday  night  and 
-^  I  haven't  been  to  Chi  or  nowheres  else  and 

I  don't  care  if  I  ever  go  anywheres  and  the  sooner 
they  send  me  to  France  to  the  front  line  trenches 
I  will  be  tickled  to  death. 

Well  old  pal  I  decided  yesterday  a.m.  to  stay 
here  and  not  go  and  I  made  up  my  mind  all  of 
a  sudden  and  it  was  partly  because  I  wasn't  feel- 
ing good  and  my  feet  pretty  near  killed  me  and 
besides  they  are  going  to  pick  some  of  us  out  for 
corporals  and  sargents  pretty  soon  and  I  figured 
a  man  would  have  a  better  chance  of  getting  a 
officer  job  if  you  didn't  ask  them  for  leave  all 
the  while.  So  as  soon  as  I  changed  my  mind 
about  going  I  found  one  of  the  boys  that  was 
going  and  asked  him  to  call  Florrie  up  as  soon 
as  he  got  to  Chi  and  tell  her  I  couldn't  get  off 
and  for  her  to  come  out  here  today  and  see  me 
and  bring  little  Al. 

Well  Al  yesterday  and  today  has  been  the  2 
longest  days  I  ever  spent  and  it  seems  like  a  yr. 
since  yesterday  a.m.  and  it  don't  hardly  seem 
possible  that  I  was  feeling  so  good  yesterday  a.m. 
and  now  I  don't  care  if  school  keeps  or  not  as 
they  say.     Yesterday  a.m.  I  was  up  before  the 

45 


46  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

buggle  blowed  all  ready  and  so  excited  I  couldn't 
hardly  eat  breakfast  and  just  before  inspections 
Shorty  Lahey  seen  me  smileing  to  myself  and 
asked  me  what  was  the  joke  and  I  told  him  they 
wasn't  no  joke  only  I  was  going  home  and  he  says 
he  hoped  I  would  have  a  good  trip  and  come  back 
safe  in  sound  so  I  said  I  guessed  they  wasn't  no 
danger  of  anything  happening  to  me  and  he  says 
"You  will  be  O.K.  if  you  keep  your  eyes  open." 
So  I  said  "What  do  you  mean  keep  my  eyes 
open." 

So  he  says  "Your  a  game  bird  but  they's  no 
use  of  you  takeing  reckless  chances  so  you  want 
to  be  on  the  look  out  every  minute  till  you  get 
back." 

So  then  I  asked  him  what  and  the  hell  he  was 
talking  about  and  he  says  "Didn't  you  know  that 
Nick  the  Blade  was  going  along  with  you.?" 

Well  Al  it  seems  like  Sebastian  got  wise  that 
I  was  going  home  on  leave  and  he  seen  a  chance 
to  get  even  with  me  for  laughing  at  him  or  that 
is  he  thought  I  was  laughing  at  him  but  I  really 
wasn't  but  any  way  as  soon  as  he  found  out  I 
was  going  he  told  them  his  brother  in  law  had 
fell  and  struck  his  head  on  the  brass  rail  and 
was  dying  and  wanted  him  to  come  home  and  they 
eat  it  up  and  give  him  leave.  So  when  Shorty 
tipped  me  off  I  said  I  would  wait  and  go  on  a 
later  train  but  Shorty  says  that  wouldn't  do  me 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  47 

no  good  because  Nick  wouldn't  be  a  sucker 
enough  to  try  and  pull  anything  on  the  train 
amidst  all  them  soldiers  but  would  wait  till  we 
was  in  Chi  and  then  he  would  get  his  gang  and 
lay  for  me  and  the  way  he  generally  worked  was 
come  right  up  to  your  flat  and  get  you  and  if 
your  wife  or  kid  says  I  yes  or  no  it  would  be 
taps  for  them  to.  And  Nick  could  come  back 
here  to  camp  and  they  wouldn't  never  know  he 
was  mixed  up  in  it. 

Well  Al  I  guess  you  know  I  am  not  scared  of 
anything  in  the  world  as  far  as  myself  personly 
am  concerned  but  Florrie  isn't  one  of  the  kind 
that  would  set  there  in  a  rocker  and  pair  her 
finger  nails  while  their  husband  was  getting 
massacreed  and  little  Al  is  a  game  bird  to  and 
a  chip  of  the  old  block  and  they  would  both  holler 
like  a  Indian  and  call  for  the  police  and  you 
know  what  would  happen  to  the  both  of  them  and 
I  wouldn't  care  for  myself  but  if  anything  hap- 
pened to  them  I  would  feel  like  I  was  the  murder. 

So  while  I  just  laughed  at  Sebastian  and  his 
gang  on  my  own  acct.  I  would  be  a  fine  stiff  to 
in  danger  my  wife  and  baby  and  besides  as  I  said 
I  eat  something  for  breakfast  that  didn't  set  good 
on  me  and  I  don't  know  if  it  was  the  coffee  or 
the  milk  or  what  it  was  but  I  eat  something  that 
was  poisoned  and  that's  a  fine  way  to  treat 
soldiers  is  to  give  them  poison  food  and  the  easi- 


48  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

est  way  to  get  the  Germans  killed  off  would  be  to 
invite  them  out  here  and  board  a  while.  And  in 
the  second  place  if  a  man  asks  for  leave  when  he 
hasn't  only  been  here  2  wks.  it  would  hurt  my 
chance  to  get  a  corporal  or  a  sargent  and  any 
way  I  figured  Florrie  would  rather  see  something 
new  like  the  camp  then  set  through  a  ball  game 
and  of  course  it  would  be  different  if  I  was  pitch- 
ing but  I  suppose  it  was  Faber's  turn  today  and 
I  see  where  Cicotte  trimmed  them  yesterday  but 
at  that  the  score  would  of  been  1  and  1  if  Felsch 
hadn't  of  hit  that  ball  out  of  the  park  and  Sallee 
must  be  his  brother  in  law  or  something  to  give 
him  a  ball  like  that  to  hit.  If  I  was  pitching  he 
would  be  lucky  to  liit  one  up  in  the  press  box. 

So  I  told  Sargent  Leslie  I  wasn't  feeling  good 
and  would  he  fix  it  for  me  to  take  my  leave  some 
other  time  and  he  says  I  was  the  only  soldier  he 
ever  seen  that  was  to  sick  to  go  on  their  leave 
so  then  I  told  him  my  wife  and  kid  was  comeing 
out  here  to  see  me  today  and  he  says  all  right. 

So  I  didn't  go  Al  and  the  funny  part  of  it  is 
that  somebody  must  of  tipped  Sebastian  off  that 
I  wasn't  going  and  what  does  he  do  but  get  his 
leave  called  off  to  and  he  has  been  here  all  yester- 
day and  today  and  that  proves  he  is  laying  for 
me  and  just  wanted  to  go  because  I  was  going 
and  it  looks  like  the  only  way  I  can  ever  get  away 
from  here  is   sneak  out  without  letting  nobody 


Camp  Grant  must  be  infected  with  mormons  (p.  61). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  51 

know  I  am  going  and  even  then  he  would  probably 
send  word  to  his  gang  in  Chi  to  keep  their  eye 
on  me  till  he  come. 

I  have  caught  him  looking  at  me  2  or  3  times 
and  I  had  a  notion  to  ask  him  if  he  seen  anything 
green  but  what  is  the  use  Al  of  starting  something 
with  a  man  like  he  and  if  I  was  to  loose  my  temper 
and  bust  him  Capt.  Nash  might  hear  about  it  and 
shut  us  both  up  in  the  guard  house  together  and 
one  or  the  other  of  us  wouldn't  never  come  out 
alive  and  which  ever  one  it  was  it  would  give  the 
camp  a  black  eye. 

Well  Al  about  all  I  done  today  was  look  for 
Florrie  and  little  Al  and  I  didn't  give  them  up  till 
5  o'clock  tonight  because  I  thought  maybe  they 
had  missed  the  a.m.  trains  and  would  come  later 
and  every  time  I  seen  a  woman  and  kid  toddleing 
up  the  road  I  would  think  sure  it  was  them  this 
time  and  I  was  dissapointed  about  30  thousand 
times  because  they  was  at  least  that  many  women 
and  kids  here  today  and  if  they  was  all  some- 
body's wife  Camp  Grant  must  be  infected  with 
Mormons. 

All  the  women  had  baskets  and  boxs  full  of  pie 
and  jell  and  fried  cakes  and  what  all  but  they 
wasn't  no  package  of  goodys  with  my  name  and 
address  on  them  Al  and  they  wasn't  no  little 
schaefer  yelling  theres  daddy  when  they  seen  me 
and  running  up  to  get  huged. 


52  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

Well  Al  the  man  that  was  to  call  up  Florrie 
come  back  this  p.m.  and  come  in  the  barracks  just 
before  I  started  this  letter  and  I  asked  him  I  said 
"Well  Bishop  did  you  call  up  my  wife  like  I  told 
you?"  His  name  is  Bishop.  "Hell"  he  says  "I 
forgot  all  about  it."  And  honest  Al  his  size  is 
all  that  saved  him  the  little  srimph  and  if  he  was 
anywheres  near  a  man  I  would  of  Bishoped  him 
right  in  the  eye.  But  I  managed  to  keep  my 
hands  off  of  him  and  all  as  I  said  was  for  him 
to  get  out  of  my  way  before  it  was  to  late  and 
then  he  begun  to  whine  and  says  how  sorry  he 
was  and  he  says  "I  got  some  excuse  because  I 
reached  home  just  in  time  to  be  presented  with 
a  baby  girl." 

How  is  that  for  an  excuse  Al  and  the  only 
wonder  is  that  he  didn't  forget  if  it  was  a  boy 
or  a  girl  before  he  got  back  here  but  of  course 
a  man  like  he  wouldn't  have  nothing  but  a  girl. 
But  isn't  it  just  my  luck  Al  for  me  to  trust  some- 
body to  do  something  and  then  for  them  to  go 
and  have  a  baby  on  me?  And  I  hope  every  time 
he  gos  home  she  is  yelling  all  night  with  the  collect. 

Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Oct.  10. 

T?RIEND  AL:    Well  Al  I  wrote  to  Florrie 
-*■  Sun.   night   and  told  her  what  had   came 

off  and  about  this  fat  head  forgetting  to  call  her 
up  and  I  just  got  a  letter  back  from  her  and 
she  says  her  and  little  Al  both  of  them  cried  them- 
self  to  sleep  Saturday  night  because  I  didn't  show 
up  and  she  had  let  little  Al  set  up  till  9  o'clock 
so  as  he  could  see  his  daddy  in  a  uniform  and 
when  I  didn't  come  then  or  Sun.  a.m.  neither  they 
thought  I  didn't  care  for  them  no  more  so  they 
went  to  the  ball  game  Sun.  p.m.,  and  McGraw 
started  another  left  bander  and  you  probably 
read  what  happened  to  him  and  I  suppose  every- 
body is  saying  what  a  whale  Faber  is  and  who 
wouldn't  be  a  whale  if  they  get  5  runs  for  you 
in  one  inning  but  even  if  you  are  a  whale  that 
don't  excuse  you  from  trying  to  steal  a  base  that 
one  of  your  own  men  all  ready  got  there  ahead 
of  you  and  hasn't  left  yet. 

But  Florrie  and  little  Al  are  comeing  out  here 
next  Sunday  Al  and  this  time  they  won't  be  no 
mix  up  because  I  won't  depend  on  no  half  wit 
that  the  minute  they  become  a  father  they  go  all 
to  peaces. 

58 


54  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

But  what  I  wanted  to  tell  you  about  was  Sebas- 
tian. Well  Al  Shorty  Lahey  was  trying  to  make 
me  believe  this  bird  was  a  bad  egg  and  that  they 
called  him  Nick  the  Blade  because  he  always  went 
a  round  with  a  knife  and  whittled  you  if  you 
looked  X  eyed  at  him  but  the  next  time  Shorty 
wants  to  kid  somebody  he  better  try  it  on  some 
yapp  that  hasn't  been  in  the  big  league  and  I 
let  him  think  he  was  stringing  me  just  to  see 
how  far  he  would  go  with  it  but  if  he  thought  he 
had  me  fooled  the  shoes  was  on  his  feet  not  mine. 

Well  Al  Sebastian's  name  is  just  plain  Nick 
without  no  Blade  on  it  and  the  only  blade  he 
ever  pulled  was  a  blade  of  grass  or  something 
because  he  use  to  help  take  care  of  the  grounds 
at  Washington  Pk.  before  he  was  drafted  and  he 
has  been  one  of  my  admirers  for  a  long  while 
and  that  is  why  he  kept  looking  at  me  and  he 
says  he  use  to  always  try  and  get  to  the  games 
when  it  was  my  turn  to  pitch  and  he  has  been 
wanting  to  talk  to  me  ever  since  we  been  here  but 
today  was  the  first  time  he  got  up  the  nerve  and 
he  never  had  no  intentions  of  going  on  leave  last 
Sat.  and  to  prove  it  he  showed  me  a  letter  he 
got  from  his  wife  last  Friday  and  she  don't  spell 
very  good  but  she  spoke  in  the  letter  about  come- 
ing  here  to  see  him  this  next  Sunday  and  nothing 
about  him  comeing  there  to  see  her  and  she  is 
going  to  bring  their  2  kids  along  and  he  says  he 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  55 

sever  seen  a  man  with  a  prettier  wind  up  then  I 
got  and  all  together  he  is  O.K.  and  when  Shorty 
trys  to  make  you  beleive  somebody  is  a  murder 
he  ought  to  pick  out  a  man  that  looks  like  the 
part. 

I  haven't  said  nothing  to  Shorty  and  I  won't 
but  what  I  will  do  is  play  a  joke  on  him  right 
back  only  I  will  make  it  a  good  one  and  not  no 
fizzle  like  some  of  his. 

And  oh  yes  Al  they  have  sent  Castle  over  to 
the  quarter  masters  dept.  and  he  won't  have  a 
chance  to  kill  nobody  there  except  when  they 
come  after  a  pair  of  shoes. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Oct.  12. 

Zy'  RIEND  AL:  Well  old  pal  I  am  writeing  this 
in  the  Y.  M.  C.  A.  where  a  man  has  got 
some  chance  to  hear  yourself  think  as  they  say 
but  if  you  try  and  write  over  in  the  barracks  if 
they  don't  joggle  your  arm  or  tip  your  seat  over 
for  a  joke  they  are  all  the  time  jabbering  back 
and  forth  in  foreign  languages  till  you  get  so 
balled  up  that  instead  of  writeing  a  letter  a  man 
is  libel  to  make  out  his  will  in  Eskimo  or  some- 
thing. 

Speaking  about  foreign  languages  Al  the  next 
time  I  see  you  I  will  be  talking  French  like  a 
regular  Frenchman  and  you  will  have  to  ask  me 
to  translate  what  I  am  talking  about.  Of  course 
I  am  just  jokeing  about  that  because  I  wouldn't 
spring  a  lot  of  stuff  on  you  that  you  wouldn't 
understand  and  I  might  just  as  well  go  up  to  a 
statue  and  ask  them  how  their  father  stood  his 
operation  or  something.  But  what  I  am  getting 
at  is  that  I  am  going  to  join  the  French  lesson 
class  here  and  its  something  that  you  don't  have 
to  belong  to  it  unless  you  want  to  but  I  figure 
a  man  is  a  sucker  if  they  don't  take  advantage  of 
a  chance  like  this  because  in  the  first  place  it  don't 

57 


58  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

cost  you  nothing  and  in  the  second  place  the  men 
that  knows  how  to  talk  French  will  have  all  the 
best  of  it  when  we  get  over  there  because  suppose 
you  was  in  Paris  and  felt  like  you  wanted  a  glass 
of  pilsner  and  if  you  said  it  in  French  they  would 
fetch  it  to  you  but  if  you  just  said  pilsner  they 
wouldn't  know  if  you  was  asking  for  something 
to  drink  or  a  nasal  dooch  or  what  not. 

But  besides  that  Al  after  we  get  to  France  the 
French  officers  will  want  to  tip  us  off  on  this  and 
that  about  the  Germans  and  of  course  they  won't 
talk  to  the  privates  but  they  will  only  talk  to 
the  officers  and  if  I  am  a  officer  by  that  time  which 
it  looks  like  a  cinch  I  will  be  one  by  that  time 
at  the  outside  why  suppose  I  was  standing  by  1 
of  our  genls.  and  a  French  genl.  wanted  to  tell 
him  what  was  what  and  etc.  but  couldn't  talk 
nothing  but  French  and  our  genl.  couldn't  make 
head  or  tales  of  it  then  I  could  act  like  an  inter- 
peter  between  the  both  of  them  and  the  first  thing 
you  know  all  the  high  monkey  monks  when  they 
want  to  talk  back  and  forth  will  be  pageing  Capt. 
Keefe  or  Major  Keefe  or  whatever  officer  I  am 
by  that  time. 

Some  of  the  boys  laughed  at  me  tonight  when 
I  told  them  about  going  to  attend  the  lessons  but 
I  will  be  the  one  that  does  the  laughing  when  we 
get  across  that  old  pond  and  Shorty  Lahey  the 
smart  alex  that  I  told  you  about  says  to  me  "We 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  59 

won't  do  all  our  training  with  the  French  army 
but  we  will  do  some  of  it  with  the  English  army 
so  while  you  are  at  it  you  better  learn  to  talk 
English  to."  So  I  said  "You  better  learn  to  talk 
English  yourself"  and  he  shut  his  mouth. 

Well  Al  Florrie  and  little  Al  will  be  here  to 
see  me  Sunday  and  I  can't  hardly  wait  for  them 
to  get  here  and  I  suppose  Florrie  will  bring  along 
some  daintys  of  some  kind  that  she  cooked  up 
herself  or  maybe  got  the  swede  girl  to  do  it  but 
of  course  I  am  not  worring  about  whether  she 
brings  anything  or  don't  bring  anything  as  long 
as  she  brings  herself  and  the  kid  only  most  of 
the  wifes  that  comes  out  here  Sundays  brings 
something  along  to  show  they  been  thinking  of 
you  though  if  I  was  most  of  these  birds  wifes 
the  only  time  I  would  think  about  them  would  be 
when  I  said  my  prayers  at  night  and  then  I  would 
thank  God  they  had  joined  the  army. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Oct.  14. 

T7RIEND  AL:  Well  Al  its  Sunday  night  and 
•^  I  been  entertaining  company.     Florrie  and 

little  Al  got  out  here  just  after  noon  and  I  was 
in  the  barracks  reading  about  the  world  serious 
game  in  Chi  yesterday  and  Florrie  says  she  asked 
1  of  the  boys  where  I  was  at  and  he  told  her  I 
was  polishing  the  general's  shoes  and  wouldn't  he 
do  just  as  well.  How  is  that  for  a  fresh  bum  Al 
and  of  course  I  don't  have  to  polish  the  general's 
shoes  or  any  shoes  and  if  I  could  find  out  who 
it  was  that  Florrie  was  talking  to  I  would  polish 
their  jaw  for  them. 

Well  of  course  Florrie  didn't  beleive  him  and 
the  next  man  she  asked  was  Nick  Sebastian  and 
he  come  and  got  me  and  you  ought  to  seen  Florrie 
stair  when  she  got  a  look  at  me  in  my  uniform 
and  little  Al  didn't  know  me  at  first  and  when 
Florrie  says  to  him  who  is  it  he  says  it  was  the 
capt.  Well  Al  it  is  to  soon  to  be  calling  me  a 
capt.  but  if  they  are  running  this  game  on  the 
square  it  won't  be  long  and  they  will  be  calling 
me  more  then  that. 

Well  Florrie  handed  me  a  box  and  she  says  I 
was  to  not  open  it  till  she  was  gone  and  then  I 

61 


62  TREAT  'EM  ROUt:^H 

showed  them  over  the  camp  and  the  way  the  boys 
staired  at  Florrie  I  couldn't  help  from  being 
proud  of  her  but  of  course  if  some  of  them  had 
of  got  to  fresh  I  would  of  fixed  them  so  they 
wouldn't  do  no  stairing  for  a  couple  of  wks.  Se- 
bastian's wife  and  2  kids  was  here  to  visit  him 
and  we  run  into  them  and  we  all  went  a  round 
together  and  I  made  the  remark  that  it  would 
be  nice  for  Mrs.  Sebastian  and  her  kids  and 
Florrie  and  little  Al  to  all  go  back  to  Chi  on  the 
same  train  together  and  it  was  O.K.  with  Mrs. 
Sebastian  but  when  I  and  Florrie  was  alone  to- 
gether for  a  few  minutes  she  started  to  ball  me 
out  for  makeing  the  suggestion  and  I  asked  her 
what  was  the  matter  with  it  and  she  says  she 
wasn't  going  to  set  in  the  same  seat  on  the  train 
with  a  woman  that  looked  like  she  had  left  home 
before  she  got  up  and  Httle  Al  would  probably 
catch  something  from  the  2  Sebastian  kids  so  I 
said  that  Mrs.  Sebastian  done  real  work  for  a 
liveing  and  you  couldn't  expect  her  to  look  like 
Sarah  Bernhart  but  Florrie  is  the  kind  that  if 
she  takes  a  dislike  towards  somebody  its  good 
night  to  them  and  it  don't  do  no  good  to  tell  her 
that  a  person  can't  help  their  looks  and  that  is 
all  the  more  reason  you  should  try  and  not  hurt 
their  feelings.  So  Mrs.  Sebastian  had  a  round 
trip  ticket  on  the  C.B.  and  Q.  and  so  did  Florrie 
but  she  pretended  like  hers  was  on  the  I.C.  and 


I  didn't  feel  so  sorry  for  him  when  we  opened  the  boxes 
they  had  broughten  ns  (p.  65). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  65 

thats  the  way  her  and  little  Al  went  back  so  they 
wouldn't  have  to  set  with  the  Sebastians  and  take 
a  chance  of  little  Al  catching  something  though 
from  what  I  seen  of  the  Sebastian  kids  they  looked 
as  strong  as  a  horse  and  they  wasn't  no  danger 
of  catching  nothing  from  them  unless  maybe  it 
was  the  banana  habit. 

I  suppose  I  would  of  been  a  grass  widower  long 
ago  if  I  was  ugly  and  how  will  it  be  if  I  get  shot 
up  in  the  war  and  Florrie  would  sew  me  for  a  bill 
of  divorce  on  the  grounds  that  I  didn't  have  no 
nose  to  smell  the  cooking. 

Well  Al  after  they  had  gone  Sebastian  made 
the  remark  that  I  had  a  beautiful  wife  and  I 
couldn't  help  from  feeling  kind  of  sorry  for  him 
so  I  says  "Never  mind  old  boy"  I  said  to  him 
*'as  long  as  your  Mrs.  is  a  good  mother  and  will- 
ing to  work  you  should  not  worry  if  she  is  no  Eva 
Tanguay."  But  I  didn't  feel  so  sorry  for  him 
when  we  opened  up  the  boxs  they  had  broughten 
us  and  Sebastian's  wife  had  give  him  doughnuts 
and  a  pie  and  part  of  a  cake  and  goodys  of  all 
kinds  and  when  I  opened  up  my  box  it  was  a  lb. 
of  candy  like  you  get  in  a  union  station  for  60 
cts  and  if  it  wasn't  for  the  picture  of  a  girl  on 
the  cover  it  would  be  all  profit  and  a  man  can't 
eat  the  picture  which  was  the  only  part  of  it  that 
hadn't  ran  together  like  chop  sooy  and  Florrie 
would  of  made  just  as  big  a  hit  with  me  if  she 


66  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

had  of  put  in  the  time  bakeing  me  a  mess  of  cookys 
that  she  spent  toneing  up  her  ear  lobs  or  some- 
thing. 

Well  Al  I  suppose  you  read  about  yesterday's 
game  in  Chi.  I  been  saying  right  along  that  the 
White  Sox  was  to  lucky  to  loose  and  the  only 
way  I  can  figure  out  yesterday's  game  is  that 
they  must  be  a  rule  in  the  National  League  where 
you  can't  change  from  1  pitcher  to  another 
pitcher  till  the  other  team  gives  their  consent. 
From  what  I  read  in  the  papers  Sallee  could  of 
been  turned  loose  with  his  fast  ball  in  a  looking 
glass  factory  without  damageing  the  goods  and 
when  Jackson  and  Collins  begins  to  take  a  toe 
hold  against  a  left  hander  its  time  to  summons 
the  Red  X.  You  will  notice  Rowland  didn't  waist 
no  time  getting  Russell  out  of  there  and  the  next 
time  he  starts  a  left  hander  will  be  on  the  training 
trip  next  spring  in  Wichita  where  if  you  beat 
them  to  bad  they  won't  give  you  a  card  to  the 
Elks. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Oct.  16. 

li/fY  CHER  AMI:  I  suppose  you  will  think 
*■  '•''  I  have  gone  crazy  when  you  read  the 
way  I  started  this  letter  out  and  you  will  wonder 
if  I  have  gone  crazy.  Well  Al  that  is  the  French 
word  for  my  dear  friend  in  English  so  you  see  I 
have  not  gone  crazy  after  all.  I  took  my  first 
lesson  last  night  and  it  is  going  to  be  nuts  to 
learn  it  because  most  of  the  words  is  just  like 
English  only  spelled  different  and  you  don't  say 
them  the  same  but  the  man  learns  us  a  dozen 
words  and  tells  us  how  to  say  them  and  we  keep 
saying  them  over  till  we  get  them  down  and  it 
wont'  be  long  when  we  got  enough  of  them  learned 
so  as  we  can  jabber  back  and  forth  in  front  of 
the  boys  that  didn't  have  sense  enough  to  learn 
it  and  they  won't  know  if  we  are  calling  them 
Dames  or  getting  ready  to  murder  them. 

Well  Al  we  had  Gen.  Barry  out  overlooking 
us  yesterday  and  he  said  we  was  a  fine  looking 
bunch  of  soldiers  as  he  even  seen  and  we  put  in 
most  of  the  day  digging  trenchs  just  like  the 
ones  they  got  over  in  Germany  and  when  we  get 
them  fixed  up  we  will  practice  fighting  for  them 
till  we  can  go  through  them  Dutchmen  like  they 

67 


68  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

was  fly  paper  and  I  wouldn't  be  surprised  Al  if 
we  got  word  soon  to  pack  up  and  start  because 
Red  Sampson  one  of  the  boys  in  our  Co.  has  got 
a  brother  thats  over  there  all  ready  and  he  is 
Gen.  Pershing's  right  hand  bower  and  so  he  gets 
the  dope  pretty  straight  and  in  a  letter  Red  got 
from  him  he  says  Gen.  Pershing  had  asked  Secty. 
Daniels  to  send  over  the  best  looking  lot  of  soldiers 
from  each  camp  and  from  what  Gen.  Barry  said 
about  us  I  suppose  we  will  be  the  first  to  go  but 
it  may  not  be  for  a  wk.  or  so  because  Red  said 
he  heard  we  wasn't  going  till  each  Co.  had  a  rifle. 
If  we  do  have  to  go  in  a  hurry  I  won't  be 
able  to  write  you  about  where  we  are  leaveing 
from  and  etc,  on  acct.  of  the  censure  because  the 
German  spy  might  get  next  to  it  and  he  could 
wire  across  to  Germany  and  the  submarine  U 
boats  would  be  on  the  outlook  for  us.  But  be- 
tween you  and  I  Red  says  we  are  libel  not  to  go 
where  the  submarines  can  get  a  crack  at  us  but 
we  may  slip  around  the  other  way  and  light  in 
Japan  and  make  the  rest  of  the  trip  by  R.R.  and 
he  says  we  may  even  not  go  to  France  but  stay 
and  help  the  Russians  out.  So  Shorty  Lahey 
was  there  and  he  has  always  got  to  say  some- 
thing so  people  will  think  he  knows  it  all  so  he 
said  the  Russians  didn't  need  nobody  to  help  them 
out  because  they  were  pretty  near  out  now.  So 
Red  said  "You  will  notice  they  didn't  loose  much 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  69 

ground  yesterday"  and  Shorty  says  "No  they 
only  loose  2  miles  and  they  must  of  been  a  strong 
east  wind  blowing  but  I  will  bet  you  that  if  we 
do  make  the  trip  that  way  we  will  bump  into  them 
along  about  Ogden  Utah."  So  Red  says  "No 
because  if  they  ever  get  to  Utah  they  will  hide 
in  Salt  Lake  City  where  the  Germans  couldn't 
tell  them  by  their  beards."  So  then  Shorty  seen 
he  was  getting  kidded  and  shut  up. 

This  A.M.  we  spent  a  half  hour  listening  to  a 
speech  about  the  German  gas  and  of  course  you 
have  read  about  the  gas  Al  and  it  isn't  like  regular 
gas  but  its  some  kind  of  poison  that  the  Germans 
lets  it  loose  in  the  air  and  it  floats  across  Nobodys 
land  and  comes  to  the  other  trenchs  and  if  you 
haven't  got  no  mask  its  good  night  but  we  are 
all  going  to  have  masks  to  wear  so  the  gas  can't 
hurt  us.  Red  says  thats  one  thing  where  the 
Russians  have  got  it  on  us  and  they  don't  have 
to  be  scared  of  dying  from  gastritis  because  the 
Germans  haven't  no  gas  fast  enough  to  catch  up 
with  them. 

Well  Al  the  world  serious  is  over  just  like  I 
said  it  would  be  with  the  White  Sox  winner  and 
each  one  of  the  boys  gets  $3600.00  and  that 
would  of  been  my  share  only  I  loved  my  country 
more  than  a  few  dollars  and  I  bet  the  boys  feel 
kind  of  ashamed  of  themself  to  think  I  was  the 
only  one  that  passed  up  all  that  jack  to  work 


70  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

for  Uncle  Sam  at  $30.00  per  mo.  but  between 
you  and  I  Al  I  have  got  a  scheme  where  I  will 
make  twice  that  amt.  and  if  some  of  the  rest  of 
the  boys  here  thought  about  it  they  could  do  the 
same  thing  but  why  should  I  tip  them  off  because 
you  can  bet  they  wouldn't  tip  me  off  to  a  good 
thing  if  they  thought  of  it  first. 

Here  is  the  scheme  when  a  man  has  got  a  family 
the  govt,  keeps  out  ^  of  your  pay  every  month 
or  more  if  you  want  them  to  and  then  the  govt, 
sticks  the  same  amt.  in  with  it  and  sends  it  to 
your  wife  or  who  ever  gets  it.  Say  you  are  a 
private  and  getting  about  $30.00  per  mo.  and 
you  tell  the  govt,  to  keep  out  $15.00  of  it.  So 
the  govt,  keeps  $15.00  and  sticks  another  $15.00 
with  it  and  sends  it  to  your  family. 

Well  Al  I  am  going  to  tell  them  to  keep  out 
my  whole  $30.00  per  mo.  and  they  will  have  to 
put  another  $30.00  with  it  and  send  the  $60.00 
to  Florrie  and  she  won't  need  it  so  she  can  either 
send  it  to  me  or  salt  it  away  somewheres  in  my 
name  and  it  means  I  will  be  getting  $60.00  while 
the  rest  of  them  are  dragging  down  $30.00  and  if 
it  was  just  luck  on  ray  part  I  wouldn't  think  it 
was  hardly  fair  but  when  a  man  figures  something 
out  in  your  head  you  got  a  right  to  take  ad- 
vantage of  it  and  a  man  that  give  up  a  big 
league  salary  and  the  world  serious  dough  to  do 
their  bit  deserves  something  extra  while  the  only 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  71 

way  some  of  the  rest  of  these  birds  could  earn 
$30.00  per  mo.  outside  of  the  army  would  be  to 
ask  for  it  with  a  peace  of  lead  pipe. 

Well  old  pal  bon  sore  for  this  time  and  that 
means  good  night  in  French  and  pretty  soon  I 
wiU  be  writeing  you  a  whole  letter  in  French  only 
of  course  I  wouldn't  do  that  because  it  would  be 
like  waisting  that  much  paper  because  they 
couldn't  nobody  in  Bedford  make  heads  or  tales 
out  of  it  and  I  might  just  as  well  save  my  labor 
for  my  pains  as  they  say. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Oct.  18. 

r?RIEND  AL:   Well  old  pal  I  got  a  peace  of 
^  news  for  you  that  I  bet  you  will  be  tickled 

to  death  for  my  sake  when  I  tell  it  to  you.  I 
guess  I  told  you  in  my  last  letter  about  Gen. 
Barry  inspecting  us.  Well  Al  I  kind  of  thought 
I  seen  him  looking  at  me  like  he  liked  the  way 
I  carry  myself  and  etc.  but  I  didn't  want  to  say 
nothing  about  it  till  I  was  sure  but  after  breakfast 
this  A.M.  Capt.  Nash  sent  for  me  and  when  I  went 
in  his  office  and  saluted  he  says  "Good  morning 
Corporal  Keefe."  Well  Al  of  course  that  means 
I  have  been  appointed  a  corporal  and  of  course 
I  expected  it  only  I  wasn't  looking  for  it  so  soon 
and  while  Capt.  Nash  didn't  say  nothing  it  don't 
take  no  Bobby  Burns  to  figure  out  that  the  orders 
come  from  higher  up. 

The  corporals  and  sargents  we  had  at  first  was 
men  from  the  regular  army  and  they  been  send- 
ing them  away  lately  and  now  some  of  the  boys 
from  the  ranks  gets  their  chance.  In  order  to 
get  a  corporal  or  a  sergent  a  man  has  got  to 
have  the  drills  down  perfect  besides  being  a  perfect 
physical  specimen  and  good  appearance  and  a 
man  that  the  rest  of  the  boys  will  look  up  to 

73 


74  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

him  and  respect  him  and  a  man  that  don't  know 
the  meaning  of  the  word  fear.  Well  Al  I  must 
of  filled  the  bill  and  I  will  show  Gen.  Barry  he 
didn't  make  no  mistake. 

My  command  is  made  up  of  7  men  that  I  am 
the  boss  of  them  and  they  contain  Sebastian  and 
Red  Sampson  and  Shorty  Lahey  and  a  wop  named 
Janinny  or  something  and  a  big  stropper  named 
Hess  and  2  boys  named  Gardner  and  Bowen  and 
some  of  them  is  pretty  rough  birds  but  I  won't 
have  no  trouble  handleing  them  because  they  know 
about  my  record  in  baseball  and  they  can't  help 
from  respecting  a  man  that  give  up  a  big  salary 
to  help  Uncle  Sam  out  and  the  only  1  that  might 
try  and  give  me  trouble  is  Lahey  and  I  guess  he 
has  got  better  sense  then  trying  some  of  his  funny 
jokes  with  a  corporal  because  when  a  private 
monkeys  with  a  officer  he  is  libel  to  wake  up  the 
next  A.M.  with  no  place  to  wear  his  hat. 

WeU  Al  a  corporal  isn't  the  highest  officer  in 
the  army  but  its  a  step  up  and  everybody  has 
got  to  start  at  the  bottom  and  Napoleon  started 
as  a  corporal  and  the  soldiers  was  all  nuts  about 
him  and  called  him  the  little  Corporal  and  maybe 
they  will  give  me  a  nick  name  like  that  only  of 
course  it  won't  be  the  little  corporal  because  that 
would  be  like  calling  Jess  Willard  Tiny  Jess  or 
something  and  the  salary  is  $36.00  per  mo.  in- 
stead of  $30.00  and  with  that  scheme  I  got  fixed 


The  way  he  throwed  bombs  he  couldn't  of  took 

a  baseball  and  hit  the  infield  from 

second  base  (p.  77). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  77 

up  with  the  govt,  that  will  give  me  twice  $36.00 
per  mo.  or  $66.00  and  I'll  say  thats  a  whole  lot 
better  then  a  private  at  $1.00  per  day. 

I  have  all  ready  wrote  and  told  Florrie  about 
it  and  I  bet  she  will  go  crazy  when  she  reads  my 
letter  and  after  this  when  they  call  her  Mrs. 
Keefe  she  can  shrink  up  her  shoulders  and  say 
"Mrs.  Corp.  Keefe  please"  and  you  will  have  to 
salute  when  you  see  me  Al.  Of  course  I  mean 
that  for  a  joke  because  what  ever  honors  I  get 
I  wouldn't  leave  them  make  no  difference  in  our 
friendship  and  betwen  you  and  I  it  will  always 
be  just  plain  Jack  Keefe. 

Well  Al  we  started  today  learning  to  throw 
bombs  and  of  course  that  won't  be  no  trick  for 
me  and  you  might  say  it  was  waisting  time  for 
me  to  practice  at  it  because  when  my  arm  feels 
O.K.  I  can  throw  in  your  vest  pocket  but  today 
it  was  raining  and  I  wouldn't  cut  loose  and  take 
chances  with  my  arm  because  I  figure  this  war 
won't  last  long  and  I  guess  I  won't  have  no  trouble 
signing  up  in  the  big  league  at  my  own  turns 
after  what  I  done.  But  you  ought  to  seen  the 
officer  that  was  trying  to  learn  us  how  and  if 
they  all  throw  like  he  its  a  wonder  they  hit  Europe 
to  say  nothing  about  the  Germans.  He  kept  his 
arm  stiff  like  he  didn't  have  no  elbow  joint  and 
he  was  straight  over  hand  all  the  while  like  Reul- 
bach  and  you  know  what  kind  of  control  he  had. 


78  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

We  didn't  have  no  regular  bombs  but  only 
stones  and  tomato  cans  but  the  way  he  throwed 
he  couldn't  of  took  a  baseball  and  hit  the  infield 
from  second  base  and  finely  I  told  him  and  he 
said  yes  but  if  you  crooked  your  arm  you  would 
wear  it  out  because  the  regular  bombs  weighs 
almost  2  lbs.  and  you  had  to  use  a  easy  motion. 
How  is  that  Al  for  a  fresh  bum  trying  to  talk 
to  me  about  easy  motions  and  I  had  a  notion  to 
tell  him  to  go  back  to  France  with  his  motions 
but  I  kept  my  temper  and  throwed  a  few  the  right 
way  till  my  arm  got  to  feeling  sore. 

Well  its  10  o'clock  and  after  and  I  am  going 
to  turn  in  and  it  isn't  that  I  feel  sleepy  but  when 
a  man  is  a  officer  you  feel  like  you  ought  to  set 
an  example  to  the  men. 

Your  pal, 

CoEP.  Jack  Keefe. 


Camp  Grant,  Oct.  22. 

TT^RIEND  AL:   Well  Al  we  had  some  lessons 
*-  in  trench  takeing  today  and  I  feel  like  I 

had  been  in  a  football  game  or  something.  We 
would  climb  up  out  of  the  trenchs  that  was  sup- 
posed to  be  the  U.  S.  trenchs  and  run  across  No- 
body's Land  and  take  the  trenchs  that  was  sup- 
posed to  be  the  German  trenchs  and  clean  them 
out  with  rifles  and  bayonets  and  bombs  and  of 
course  we  didn't  have  no  real  rifles  and  bombs  but 
if  we  had  of  and  they  had  been  any  Germans  in 
the  trenchs  it  would  of  been  good  night  to  them. 
We  done  it  over  and  over  tiU  I  was  pretty  near 
wore  out  but  of  course  I  pretended  like  I  was 
fresh  as  a  daisy  because  a  good  corporal  wouldn't 
never  lay  down  till  he  was  dead  and  its  their 
business  to  set  up  an  example  for  the  boys  and 
inspire  them  so  I  kept  hollering  like  Hughey  Jen- 
nings or  somebody  and  every  time  we  started  out 
of  our  trenchs  I  would  holler  "Come  on  boys  give 
them  hell  this  time"  and  I  guess  it  made  a  hit  with 
the  instructers  because  they  kept  smileing  at  me 
and  talking  about  me  between  themselfs  and  I 
could  pretty  near  guess  what  they  said.  But  of 
course  it  made  Shorty  Lahey  sore  to  see  me  get- 
ting all  the  attentions  and  he  says  to  me  "Who 

79 


80  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

do  you  think  you  are  Jonah  Vark?"  So  I  said 
*'You  tend  to  your  business  and  show  some  life  or 
I  will  Jonah  Vark  you  in  the  jaw." 

So  afterwards  when  we  was  in  the  barracks  he 
come  up  and  says  "If  you  are  playing  Jonah 
Vark  you  should  ought  to  quit  telling  us  to  come 
on  boys  and  give  them  hell  because  Jonah  Vark 
wouldn't  never  use  a  word  like  that."  So  I  said 
*'I  guess  he  would  say  a  whole  lot  worse  then  that 
if  he  had  a  dirty  rat  like  you  in  his  command." 
So  that  shut  him  up. 

Tonight  they  showed  us  some  pictures  that  was 
supposed  to  be  the  West  Pt.  cadets  drilling  and 
Capt.  Nash  says  if  we  ever  got  so  as  we  could 
drill  like  that  he  would  quit  working  us  so  hard. 
W^ell  Al  its  all  O.K.  to  hand  that  stuff  to  the  boys 
that  don't  know  no  more  then  to  fall  for  it  but 
I  hope  they  didn't  suppose  I  was  a  sucker  enough 
to  think  those  was  real  pictures  but  of  course  I 
wouldn't  say  nothing  because  if  looking  at  a  lot 
of  fake  pictures  makes  the  boys  work  harder  the 
sooner  we  will  get  sent  to  France. 

I  was  just  talking  to  Red  Sampson  and  he  was 
telling  me  about  a  bird  named  Chambers  in  Co. 
A  and  it  shows  some  people  don't  know  when  they 
have  got  a  good  thing  and  don't  appreciate  what 
people  trys  to  do  for  them.  I  remember  this  bird 
comeing  out  with  us  on  the  train  and  they 
wouldn't  nobody  go  near  him  on  acct.  of  him  being 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  81 

such  a  bum  and  Red  says  he  heard  that  for  a 
while  after  we  got  here  they  had  to  chase  this 
bird  under  the  shower  bath  with  a  bayonet  and 
he  done  most  of  his  drilHng  in  the  guard  house. 
So  finely  his  captain  told  him  he  wouldn't  stand 
for  no  more  of  his  monkey  business  and  he  would 
call  him  up  in  front  of  the  court  marshall  if  he 
didn't  behave  himself. 

So  then  Chambers  says  all  right  he  would  make 
a  new  start  and  sure  enough  he  cut  it  all  out  and 
begin  to  take  a  pride  in  himself  and  got  the  drills 
down  pat  and  kept  clean  and  his  captain  wanted 
to  show  him  it  payed  to  be  a  man  and  he  made  a 
corporal  out  of  him. 

Well  Al  you  can't  break  the  rules  when  you 
are  a  corporal  no  more  than  a  private  but  this 
bird  went  to  Chi  the  day  before  yesterday  on  a 
leave  and  he  was  supposed  to  be  back  at  11  p.m. 
last  night  but  he  don't  show  till  2  a.m.  and  he 
was  all  lit  up  like  the  City  of  Benton  Harbor  and 
of  course  the  guard  nailed  him  and  he  got  called 
up  before  his  captain  and  he  busted  him  and  I 
don't  mean  he  cracked  him  in  the  jaw  but  when 
a  man  gets  busted  in  the  army  it  means  you  get 
reduced  to  a  private.  So  I  said  to  Red  what  a 
sucker  this  bird  was  and  Red  says  maybe  he 
wanted  to  get  busted  because  a  corporal  has  got 
such  a  load  on  their  shoulders  that  lots  of  men 
would  rather  be  a  private.     So  I  said  it  must  be 


82  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

a  fine  kind  of  a  man  that  would  turn  down  a  job 
in  the  army  because  it  was  a  tough  job  and  Red 
says  "Yes  but  everybody  ain't  like  you  and  some 
men  don't  want  no  responsibility  but  you  are  one 
of  the  kind  that  the  more  they  have  the  better 
they  like  it  and  everybody  could  see  you  was  a 
born  leader  the  way  you  acted  in  that  trench  drill 
today." 

So  I  suppose  after  all  a  man  like  Chambers 
has  no  business  in  a  job  like  corporal  because  it 
is  a  cinch  nobody  would  ever  call  him  a  born 
leader  unless  it  was  in  the  gin  league  but  still  a 
person  would  think  he  would  try  and  behave  him- 
self after  the  captain  give  him  that  chance  but 
still  I  should  not  worry  and  it  is  none  of  my 
business  and  all  I  got  to  do  is  set  up  the  right 
kind  of  an  example  for  my  own  command  and 
leave  the  rest  of  them  take  care  of  themselfs. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Oct.  23. 

T^RIEND    AL:     Well    I    have    quit    takeing 
"*•  French   class   lessons   and   I   quit   because 

I  felt  it  wasn't  fair  to  either  myself  or  Capt. 
Nash  because  when  a  man  is  a  corporal  its  all 
head  work  you  might  say  and  a  man  ought  to 
keep  their  mind  on  their  job  evenings  as  well 
as  day  times  and  I  felt  like  I  couldn't  do  that 
and  be  monking  with  French  at  the  same  time 
and  it  would  be  like  as  if  I  was  back  pitching 
baseball  and  trying  to  learn  to  play  a  saxophone 
or  something  at  the  same  time  and  in  the  evenings 
when  I  ought  to  be  figureing  out  how  to  pitch  to 
Pipp  instead  of  that  I  would  have  my  mind  on 
what  keys  to  blow  next  though  of  course  I  just 
say  that  for  a  comparison  because  I  could  learn 
how  to  play  the  whole  band  and  still  make  a 
sucker  out  of  that  bird  because  all  you  got  to 
do  is  to  pitch  outside.  But  besides  that  I  figured 
that  the  man  who  was  trying  to  learn  us  French 
didn't  know  what  he  was  talking  about  and  what 
is  the  use  of  learning  it  wrong  and  then  you  got 
to  start  all  over  again  when  we  got  over  there. 
For  inst.  he  asked  me  what  was  the  English  word 
for  very  in  French  so  I  knew  it  was  tres  so  I 
said  tres  and  he  says  no  it  was  tray  because  you 

83 


84  TREAT  *EM  ROUGH 

say  the  letter  e  like  it  was  the  letter  a  and  you 
don't  pay  no  attention  to  the  letter  s.  So  I 
asked  liim  what  it  was  there  for  then  and  he  said 
that  was  just  the  French  of  it  so  I  had  a  notion 
to  tell  him  to  go  and  take  a  jump  in  the  lake 
but  I  decided  to  just  say  nothing  and  quit.  I 
guess  the  French  people  are  not  crazy  and  they 
wouldn't  nobody  but  a  crazy  man  stick  a  letter 
in  a  word  and  then  make  up  their  mind  to  ignore 
it  you  might  say  and  it  would  be  just  like  as  if 
I  wanted  a  beer  and  I  would  go  up  to  the  bar  and 
say  "Give  me  a  bee"  and  I  guess  the  man  would 
think  I  thought  I  was  in  a  bee  hive  or  something 
or  else  he  would  think  I  had  a  bee  in  my  bonnet 
eh  Al? 

But  laying  all  jokes  to  one  side  I  have  got  to 
much  on  my  mind  to  be  fooling  with  it  and  besides 
I  put  in  a  week  on  it  and  I  figure  I  have  got  it 
down  good  enough  so  as  I  can  get  by  and  besides 
I  am  one  of  those  kind  that  don't  have  much  to 
say  but  when  theys  something  to  be  done  you 
don't  have  to  send  no  blood  hounds  to  find  where 
I  am  at. 

Red  Sampson  got  another  letter  today  from 
his  brother  in  France  and  Red  says  his  brother 
and  Pershing  was  right  up  close  to  the  front 
where  they  could  see  the  fighting  and  they  was 
a  big  battle  in  Sept.  that  the  papers  didn't  get 
a  hold  of  it  and  about  2500  Frenchmen  was  killed. 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  85 

So  Shorty  Lahey  asked  if  they  was  all  privates 
and  Red  says  No  that  in  the  French  army  they 
have  things  different  and  you  don't  often  see  a 
private  killed  but  when  theys  25000  men  killed 
you  can  figure  that  at  least  20000  of  them  was 
corporals  and  sargents  because  the  corporals  and 
sargents  has  to  go  out  in  front  of  all  the  charges. 
Well  Al  I  am  glad  its  different  in  the  U.  S. 
army  but  at  that  I  am  not  the  kind  of  a  man 
that  would  hang  back  for  the  fear  of  getting  a 
bullet  in  me  and  if  I  was  I  would  resign  from 
my  command  and  tell  them  to  get  somebody  else. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Geant,  Oct.  24. 

ZpniEND  AL:  Well  Al  this  was  Liberty  Day 
and  we  had  a  parade  in  Rockford  and  they 
was  also  some  ball  games  out  here  and  that  is 
the  boys  thought  they  was  playing  ball  and  every- 
body was  crazy  I  should  pitch  for  one  of  the 
teams  but  in  the  first  place  I  didn't  feel  like  it 
would  be  fair  and  besides  I  figure  its  bad  dope  for 
the  officers  to  mix  up  with  the  men  and  play  games 
with  them  and  etc.  and  thats  not  because  I  think 
I  am  any  better  then  anybody  else  but  if  you  hold 
yourself  off  they  respect  you  that  much  more  and 
I  have  noticed  that  Capt.  Nash  and  the  lieuts. 
don't  hang  a  round  with  nobody  only  themselfs 
and  when  it  comes  to  the  majors  and  colonels  I 
guess  they  don't  even  speak  to  their  own  wife 
only  when  they  are  danceing  maybe  and  step  on 
each  others  ft. 

Well  Al  I  decided  today  to  not  try  and  work 
that  little  scheme  I  had  about  alloting  my  whole 
salary  to  Florrie  and  then  the  govt,  would  put 
the  same  amt.  with  it  and  I  would  be  salting  away 
$66.00  per  mo.  instead  of  $36.00  and  I  was  talk- 
ing to  Corp.  Haney  about  it  and  he  says  it 
couldn't  be  done  and  I  don't  know  about  that 
but  any  way  I  figured  it  wouldn't  be  fair  to  the 

87 


88  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

rest  of  the  boys  so  I  am  going  to  allot  $18.00 
per  mo.  to  Florrie  to  keep  for  me  and  that  leaves 
me  $18  per  mo.  to  spend  that  is  it  leaves  me  that 
amt.  on  paper  but  when  you  come  to  figure  it 
out  Al  I  am  paying  $5.60  for  soldiers  insurance 
and  $10.00  per  mo.  for  another  liberty  bond  I 
bought  and  that  leaves  me  $2.40  per  mo.  to  spend 
and  how  is  that  for  a  man  that  was  drawing  a 
salary  in  the  big  league  but  at  that  I  have  got 
it  on  some  of  the  privates  that  gives  up  the  same 
amt.  for  insurance  and  a  liberty  bond  and  they 
only  gets  $30.00  per  mo.  and  1/^  of  that  amt. 
gos  to  their  wife  so  when  it  comes  to  the  end  of 
the  month  they  owe  $.60  for  being  a  soldier. 

Speaking  about  the  soldiers  insurance  with  the 
kind  I  got  if  I  was  disabled  they  would  have  to 
give  me  $50.00  to  $60.00  per  mo.  on  acct.  of 
me  haveing  Florrie  and  little  Al  and  that  would 
come  in  handy  Al  if  I  got  my  right  arm  shot 
off  and  couldn't  pitch  but  at  that  I  know  birds 
in  the  big  league  now  thats  drawing  $400.00  to 
$500.00  per  mo.  and  as  far  as  their  pitchings 
conserned  they  might  just  as  weU  have  both  their 
arms  shot  off  and  include  their  head. 

Well  anyway  we  won't  have  to  practice  fighting 
no  more  with  broom  sticks  and  cans  and  etc.  be- 
cause Sargent  James  told  us  tonight  that  the 
rifles  was  comeing  so  I  said  to  my  boys  that  I 
hoped  they  was  good  shots  so  we  could  make  a 


Corporal  don't  carry  no  arms  of  any  kind  and  fJl  he  k 

is  a  kind  of  decoy  to  kep  the  Gernaans- 

shooting  (p.  91). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  91 

sucker  out  of  the  other  squads  and  I  told  them 
if  they  was  all  as  good  a  shot  as  me  I  wouldn't 
have  no  kick  because  I  figure  that  anybody  thats 
got  as  good  control  when  they  throw  or  pitch 
should  certainly  ought  to  shoot  straight.  So  Red 
Sampson  says  that  if  I  was  in  the  French  army 
it  wouldn't  do  me  no  good  to  be  a  crack  shot 
and  I  asked  him  why  not  and  he  says  the  corporals 
in  the  French  army  are  not  allowed  to  carry  no 
guns  but  all  they  was  supposed  to  do  was  run 
ahead  of  the  privates  and  draw  the  fire  and  maybe 
if  the  Germans  happened  to  not  hit  them  they 
could  pull  out  their  scissors  and  cut  the  bob  wire 
untanglements  so  as  the  privates  wouldn't  have 
no  trouble  getting  in  to  the  German  trenchs  where 
they  could  use  their  bayonets. 

Red  says  "Instead  of  the  pollutes  trying  to 
get  to  be  a  corporal  they  try  not  to  because  when 
they  appoint  you  a  corporal  in  the  French  army 
its  a  good  night  kiss  and  of  course  its  a  honor 
at  that  because  it  shows  they  think  you  are  a 
game  bird  and  don't  care  for  your  own  life  as 
long  as  you  help  the  cause  and  that  is  why  they 
picked  you  out.  Because  a  corporal  don't  carry 
no  arms  of  any  kind  and  all  he  is  is  a  kind  of  a 
decoy  to  kep  the  Germans  shooting  at  him  so  as 
to  protect  the  regular  soldiers  and  that  is  why 
over  80%  of  the  casualtys  in  the  French  army 
is  corporals." 


92  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

Well  Al  as  I  said  before  I  am  not  in  the  French 
army  and  I  should  worry  about  what  they  do  to 
corporals  in  the  French  army. 

I  pretty  near  forgot  to  tell  you  that  I  am 
going  home  on  leave  Saturday  and  you  can  bet 
I  am  going  this  time  sick  or  no  sick  because  from 
all  the  rumors  a  round  the  camp  we  might  be 
leaveing  for  across  the  pond  any  day  now 
specially  with  the  rifles  comeing  and  that  makes 
it  look  like  we  would  soon  be  on  our  way 
and  if  I  didn't  see  Florrie  and  little  Al 
before  I  left  it  would  probably  be  the  last  time 
I  would  see  them  because  something  tells  me  Al 
that  if  I  go  over  there  I  won't  never  come  back. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Oct.  26. 

TJ^RIEND  AL:  Well  don't  be  surprised  if  you 
•^  read  in  the  paper  any  a.m.  where  our  regt, 

has  been  ordered  to  France  but  of  course  I  don't 
suppose  they  would  come  out  in  the  paper  with 
it  because  General  Pershing  don't  want  it  to  get 
out  what  regts.  is  over  there  and  probably  you 
won't  hear  nothing  about  it  when  we  do  go  be- 
cause they  won't  be  no  chance  for  me  to  write 
to  you  and  if  you  don't  hear  from  me  for  a  long 
while  you  will  know  we  have  gone  and  the  next 
time  you  hear  from  me  will  be  from  over  there. 

I  got  the  dope  tonight  from  Red  Sampson  and 
he  heard  it  from  one  of  the  men  that  was  on  guard 
yesterday  and  this  man  heard  the  Col.  telling 
Capt.  Gould  of  Co.  B  that  General  Pershing  had 
sent  for  the  best  looking  regt.  out  here  and  Gen. 
Barry  had  recommended  our  regt.  and  from  what 
Red  says  we  will  probably  go  in  a  week  or  so  and 
he  don't  know  if  we  are  going  by  the  way  of  the 
Atlantic  or  the  Pacific  but  all  as  I  hope  is  that 
we  get  there  before  the  war  is  over. 

I  am  certainly  glad  now  that  I  arranged  for 
leave  this  wk.  end  because  it  will  give  me  a  chance 
to  fix  my  affairs  up  before  I  go  and  if  anything 

93 


94  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

should  happen  to  me  they  wouldn't  be  no  trouble 
for  Florrie  about  property  and  etc.  I  certainly 
wish  I  had  enough  so  as  I  could  leave  you  and 
Bertha  something  to  help  you  along  old  pal  and 
maybe  if  they  had  give  me  more  time  I  could  of 
fixed  things  up  but  all  as  I  can  leave  you  now 
is  my  friendship  and  remember  that  if  anything 
happens  I  was  your  old  pal  and  you  boys  that 
stays  home  is  the  ones  we  are  laying  down  our 
life  for  and  if  it  wasn't  for  men  like  we  where 
would  you  be  at  Al  and  your  familys? 

Well  Al  I  am  proud  of  my  squad  the  way  they 
took  the  news  and  we  was  the  only  ones  that 
knew  about  it  and  yet  they  wasn't  a  man  in  my 
command  that  didn't  act  like  he  was  tickled  to 
death  and  thats  the  right  kind  of  a  spirit  and 
I  spoke  about  it  to  Red  Sampson.  I  said  "I  am 
proud  of  all  of  you  because  instead  of  you  whine- 
ing  and  putting  on  a  long  face  you  all  act  like  yon 
was  going  to  a  picnic  or  something."  So  Red 
says  he  guessed  the  rest  of  the  boys  and  him 
didn't  have  no  license  to  cry  as  long  as  I  kept  up 
my  spirits.  He  says  "Maybe  it  would  be  different 
if  we  was  all  corporals  because  then  it  would  seem 
like  we  was  leaveing  home  forever.  But  you  are 
the  bird  thats  takeing  the  chance  and  if  you  can 
keep  smileing  we  would  be  a  fine  bunch  if  we 
broke  down  and  begun  to  whine  and  I  don't  sup- 
pose theys  a  man  amongst  us  that  has  thought 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  95 

about  danger  to  themselfs  but  Its  all  whats  going 
to  happen  to  you." 

Well  Al  thats  the  kind  of  a  bunch  to  have  under 
you  and  it  makes  a  man  think  of  Napoleon  and 
how  his  men  looked  up  at  him. 

Well  maybe  you  won't  get  no  more  letters  from 
me  that  is  if  the  call  comes  before  I  leave  to- 
morrow for  Chi  but  if  I  get  there  O.  K.  I  will 
write  to  you  from  there  because  probably  by  the 
time  I  get  back  here  the  orders  will  be  to  pack 
up  and  move  and  then  I  won't  have  no  time  to 
write. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Chicago,  Oct.  28. 

ZpRIEND  AL:  WeU  Florrie  is  still  in  the  hay 
■^  yet  and  little  Al  is  playing  with  himself 

on  the  floor  and  reading  the  pictures  in  the  Sun- 
day A.  M.  paper  and  I  thought  I  would  sleep  late 
this  A.  M.  but  when  a  man  gets  in  the  habit  of 
wakeing  up  early  you  get  so  as  you  can't  sleep 
after  you  wake  up  once  and  thats  the  way  it  was 
with  me. 

WeU  Al  I  suppose  you  will  be  surprised  at  me 
saying  it  but  I  pretty  near  wish  I  wasn't  no  officer 
but  just  a  private  like  at  first  and  I  got  a  good 
notion  to  go  back  to  the  camp  like  Chambers  did 
behind  time  and  1^  stewed  and  the  reason  I  feel 
like  that  is  because  I  have  got  attached  to  my 
boys  and  I  would  pretty  near  rather  give  up 
going  to  France  all  together  then  quit  them  be- 
cause it  seems  like  it  wouldn't  be  hardly  fair  to 
leave  them  now  that  they  have  got  so  as  they 
look  up  at  me  and  I  figure  that  even  if  I  wasn't 
a  corporal  no  more  but  just  1  of  them  I  could 
do  more  good  then  if  I  quit  them  entirely. 

I  suppose  you  will  wonder  what  I  am  get- 
ting at  Al.  Well  on  the  train  comeing  from 
Rockford  yesterday  I  was  setting  with  Shorty 

97 


98  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

Lahey  and  he  was  on  leave  to  and  I  know  its  a 
mistake  sometimes  for  a  officer  to  pal  a  round 
with  their  men  but  I  set  with  him  on  the  train 
because  I  can't  stand  it  to  hurt  a  man's  feelings 
and  Shorty's  hearts  in  the  right  place  with  all 
his  jokeing  and  etc.  So  we  set  down  together 
on  the  train  and  got  to  talking  things  over  and 
he  says  "Well  Keefe  you  have  got  to  be  a  cor- 
poral and  that  means  you  have  made  good  and 
I  wish  I  was  in  your  shoes." 

So  I  said  that  if  he  took  care  of  himself  and 
minded  his  business  they  wasn't  no  reason  why 
he  wouldn't  be  advanced  higher  up  the  ladder 
some  time  in  the  future  and  he  says  "Yes  but 
now  is  the  time  I  would  like  to  be  in  your  shoes 
because  I  would  like  to  get  over  to  France  and 
get  in  it."  So  I  asked  him  what  he  meant  and 
he  says  the  dope  Red  Sampson  was  giving  me  was 
part  of  it  right  and  part  of  it  wrong  and  the 
right  dope  was  that  General  Pershing  hadn't  sent 
for  our  whole  regt.  but  what  he  had  sent  for  was  all 
the  non  commission  officers  out  of  the  regt.  and 
that  means  all  the  corporals  and  sergents  and  they 
was  the  only  ones  going  this  time  because  the 
French  army  had  ran  out  of  non  commission 
officers  and  General  Pershing  was  going  to  lend 
them  the  best  ones  we  had  over  here  in  training. 

So  I  said  "Well  it  looks  like  I  was  elected  and 
its  100  to  1  that  I  won't  never  come  back."     Sq 


Florrie  is  still  in  the  hay  yet  and  little  Al 
is  playing  on  the  floor  (p.  97). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER         101 

Shorty  says  "Oh  I  don't  know  about  that  and 
I  think  Red  Sampson  is  wrong  about  them  killing 
all  them  corporals  because  from  what  I  heard 
they's  a  few  of  them  they  don't  try  and  kiU  so 
they  can  take  them  prisoner  and  get  information 
off  them." 

So  I  said  "They  would  have  a  hell  of  a  chance 
getting  information  off  me  because  they  could  kill 
me  before  I  would  spill  anything."  So  Shorty 
says  *'You  might  not  spill  nothing  at  first  but 
you  would  be  a  game  bird  if  you  stuck  through 
all  the  tortures  because  when  they  ask  you  some- 
thing and  you  don't  teU  them  they  cut  off  a 
couple  of  toes  and  see  if  that  won't  make  you 
talk  and  so  on  till  you  don't  hardly  know  if  you 
are  alive  but  if  you  are  game  enough  to  stand 
all  they  give  you  why  finely  they  will  see  what 
a  game  bird  you  are  and  then  they  finish  you 
off  so  you  won't  suffer  no  more.  But  if  you  tell 
them  all  you  know  right  at  first  they  won't  do 
nothing  to  you  only  of  course  you  will  be  a 
prisoner  there  in  Germany  tiU  the  war  is  over 
and  they  make  you  work  your  head  off  without 
no  food  and  they  don't  even  feed  the  guards  be- 
cause they  want  to  keep  them  mad  at  the  prisoners 
so  as  they  will  make  them  work  harder  and  every 
time  you  act  like  you  was  loafing  or  something 
the  guards  scratchs  their  initials  in  you  with  their 
bayonet." 


102  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

So  I  asked  him  where  he  got  his  dope  and  he 
says  he  didn't  know  if  it  was  all  true  or  not  but 
his  wife's  2  brothers  was  in  the  German  army  and 
they  had  wrote  home  about  it  and  maybe  it  was 
all  bunk. 

Well  Al  I  figured  I  would  take  Florrie  to  a 
show  somewheres  last  night  because  maybe  it 
would  be  the  last  time  but  after  supper  I  felt 
kind  of  sick  on  acct.  of  the  change  in  food  and 
I  asked  Florrie  if  she  would  just  as  leave  stay 
home  so  I  went  to  bed  early  and  I  thought  I 
would  get  a  good  rest  but  I  didn't  get  no  sleep 
and  as  I  said  I  couldn't  sleep  this  a.  m.  and  now 
I  am  waiting  for  her  to  get  up  for  breakfast. 

I  only  wish  they  was  some  way  for  me  to  get 
out  of  this  corporal  and  it  isn't  that  I  can't 
handle  it  but  it  seems  like  a  shame  to  leave  the 
other  boys  that  almost  worships  me  you  might 
say  and  here  is  little  Al  playing  on  the  floor  and 
if  his  daddy  was  just  a  private  I  might  maybe 
stay  at  Camp  Grant  all  winter  and  come  in  and 
see  Florrie  and  he  every  month. 

Your  pal. 

Jack. 


Camp  Geant,  Oct.  30. 

T?RIEND  AL:    Well  Al  I  am  not  going  to 
•'-  France  at  all  that  is  right  away  and  this 

time  I  got  the  dope  straight  from  Capt.  Nash  and 
not  from  no  Lahey  or  Sampson. 

Here  is  the  way  I  come  to  find  out  Al.  I  was 
supposed  to  get  back  in  camp  Sunday  night  but 
I  missed  the  train  out  of  Chi  and  I  took  the  first 
train  yesterday  a.  m.  and  I  got  reported  for  being 
A.  W.  O.  L.,  and  that  means  I  was  absent  with- 
out no  leave  so  I  got  called  up  in  the  orderly 
room  in  front  of  Capt.  Nash. 

So  he  says  "Well  Keefe  don't  tell  me  your  aunt 
died."  So  I  asked  him  what  he  meant  because  I 
haven't  no  aunt  only  by  marriage  that  lives  down 
in  Texas.  So  he  says  "Do  you  know  what  we 
could  do  to  you  for  being  A.  W.  O.  L."  So  I  said 
"I  suppose  you  could  bust  me."  So  he  says  "Yes 
and  that  isn't  all.  If  you  was  drunk  or  some 
excuse  like  that  we  could  have  you  out  in  front 
of  a  fireing  party  or  if  we  wanted  to  go  easy 
with  you  we  could  send  you  down  to  Ft.  Leaven- 
worth for  10  yrs."  So  I  said  "I  wasn't  drunk 
sir  and  all  the  trouble  was  that  I  missed  a  train 
out  of  Chi  and  I  didn't  miss  it  more  than  2  min- 

103 


104  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

utes."  So  he  says  "Well  2  minutes  and  2  wks. 
don't  make  no  difference  in  this  game.  But  you 
have  been  behaving  yourself  O.K.  and  we  got  a 
fine  record  in  this  Co.  and  I  don't  want  to  loose 
no  non  commission  officers  because  I  haven't  got 
none  now  thats  worth  a  dam.  So  you  see  that  you 
don't  miss  no  more  trains  because  the  next  time 
it  will  go  a  whole  lot  different.  You  are  excused 
only  that  you  won't  get  no  more  leave  for  a 
month." 

So  I  said  thank  you  sir  and  told  him  I  was 
sorry  because  I  was  in  a  hurry  to  get  to  France 
and  didn't  want  nothing  to  come  up  to  interfere 
with  me  going  and  he  says  "You  don't  want  to 
go  no  more  then  I  do  but  it  looks  Uke  we  would  all 
be  here  till  we  die  of  old  age."  So  I  asked  him 
if  the  corporals  wasn't  going  ahead  of  the  rest 
of  the  bunch  and  he  says  the  corporals  would  go 
with  the  privates  unless  they  was  all  shot  by  that 
time  for  being  A.  W.  O.  L. 

So  here  I  am  Al  and  I  have  told  the  boys  I 
was  not  going  to  quit  them  and  I  never  seen 
nobody  so  tickled.  Well  Al  I  am  glad  to  in  a 
way  and  on  the  other  hand  its  a  big  dissapoint- 
ment  but  a  man  has  got  to  learn  to  swallow  their 
dissapointments  in  the  army  and  take  what  comes. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Geant,  Nov.  '4. 

ET*  RIEND  AL:  Well  Al  they  have  begin  to  bust 
up  our  regt.  and  take  men  away  from  it 
and  the  men  they  take  will  get  to  France  before 
the  rest  of  us  the  lucky  stiif  s  but  they  don't  send 
them  right  to  France  from  here  but  they  send 
them  down  south  to  the  national  guards  camps 
and  fill  up  the  national  guards  with  them  and  the 
national  guards  are  going  to  get  across  the  pond 
first  because  Secty.  Daniels  wants  to  save  the 
good  regts.  for  the  finish. 

Well  Al  they  can't  send  me  to  France  to  soon 
but  it  looks  like  they  wasn't  a  chance  for  a  man 
like  I  to  get  sent  with  the  national  guards  because 
the  men  we  are  sending  down  south  is  the  riff  and 
raff  you  might  say  who  we  want  to  get  rid  of 
them  so  wiien  Secty.  Daniels  sends  word  that  the 
national  guards  at  such  and  such  a  place  wants 
7  or  800  men  the  officers  here  picks  them  out  from 
amidst  the  kitchen  policemen  and  the  guard  house. 

It  looks  now  like  the  real  soldiers  that  they  got 
here  would  be  here  maybe  all  winter  but  between 
you  and  I  Al  I  got  a  scheme  to  beat  that  game. 
I  found  out  today  that  they  are  going  to  start  a 
officers  training  camp  here  in  Jan.  and  if  a  man 

105 


106  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

makes  good  in  it  they  will  give  him  a  lieut.  or  a 
capt.  and  they  won't  be  no  riff  and  raff  allowed 
in  the  camp  only  men  that  would  make  a  good 
officer  so  I  guess  I  won't  have  no  trouble  getting 
in  the  camp  and  once  I  win  my  lieut.  or  capt. 
bars  they  will  probably  send  me  straight  to 
France  to  take  command. 

Things  are  going  along  O.  K.  without  much 
news  to  write  about.  Sarah  Bemhart  the  French 
comedian  was  in  Rockford  Friday  and  come  out 
to  give  the  boys  a  treat  and  for  some  reason 
another  the  most  of  the  boys  fell  all  over  their 
self  trying  to  get  up  close  to  her  and  get  her  to 
smile  at  them.  Well  Al  everybody  to  their  own 
taste  but  from  what  I  seen  of  her  she  would  be 
perfectly  safe  around  me  and  if  she  is  a  day  old 
she  is  50  yrs.  old  and  I  will  bet  money  on  it.  Any 
way  I  wouldn't  trade  Florrie  for  a  dozen  like  she. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Gkant,  Nov.  7. 

77'  RIEND  AL:  Here  is  one  for  you  Al  and  its 
-•■  just  between  you  and  I  because  I  wouldn't 

have  no  one  else  hear  about  it  for  the  world. 
Yesterday  we  was  all  presented  with  some  sox 
made  out  of  knitting  and  they  come  in  a  bunch 
from  the  Red  X  and  when  I  was  going  to  bed  I 
thought  I  would  try  mine  on  and  see  if  they  fit 
and  if  they  didn't  maybe  I  could  trade  with  some- 
body that  they  did.  Well  Al  I  stuck  my  foot 
down  in  1  of  them  and  my  toe  run  into  something 
funny  and  I  pulled  my  foot  out  and  stuck  my 
hand  down  in  it  and  pulled  out  a  note  that  was 
folded  in  side  of  the  sock.  Well  of  course  I 
opened  the  note  up  and  read  it  and  I  will  copy 
down  what  it  said.  It  says  "Dear  Soldier  Boy, 
you  may  never  see  me  but  if  you  can  spare  time 
to  write  me  just  a  few  lines  it  will  make  me  hap- 
pier than  any  one  in  the  world  for  I  am  oh  so 
lonesome.  You  won't  disappoint  me  will  you 
Soldier  Boy?"  And  it  was  signed  Lone  Star  but 
down  below  she  had  wrote  her  name  and  address. 
Her  name  is  Miss  Lucy  Chase  and  she  lives  in 
Texas. 

Well  Al  I  can't  help  from  feeling  sorry  for  her 

107 


108  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

and  If  it  wasn't  for  Florrie  and  little  Al  I  would 
write  her  a  note  back  and  thank  her  for  the  sox 
though  between  you  and  I  they  are  to  small  and 
try  and  say  something  that  would  cheer  her  up. 
But  of  course  Florrie  wouldn't  like  for  me  to  do 
it  and  a  married  man  shouldn't  ought  to  be  monk- 
ing  around  like  that  and  lead  a  girl  on  though  of 
course  if  I  did  write  to  her  the  jfirst  thing  I 
would  tell  her  would  be  that  I  am  married. 

But  what  has  been  puzzling  me  is  where  she 
seen  me.  Maybe  it  was  1  of  the  times  we  played 
in  Texas  in  the  spring  trip  either  that  or  she 
seen  my  picture  somewheres.  Well  Al  it  must  of 
been  a  picture  without  my  feet  in  it  or  she  would 
of  made  the  sox  bigger  and  I  wish  she  had  of 
because  I  don't  feel  like  tradeing  them  off  to 
nobody  now  that  I  know  they  was  made  for  me  by 
a  admirer.  Laying  all  jokes  to  1  side  I  do  feel 
sorry  for  the  girl  and  if  she  had  of  made  herself 
known  to  me  a  few  years  sooner  things  might 
of  been  different.  Don't  say  nothing  about  this 
even  to  Bertha  because  I  don't  want  it  to  get  all 
over  Bedford.  I  am  not  the  kind  that  brags 
around  about  their  admirers  especially  when  its 
a  girl. 

I  thought  once  or  twice  today  that  I  would 
just  drop  her  a  card  pretending  like  the  sox  fit 
me  to  a  tea  and  thanking  her  for  them  and  giving 
a  hint  that  I  was  a  married  man  but  on  second 


Everybody  cut  loose  and  sung  and  you  could 
of  heard  us  in  Beloit. 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER  111 

thoughts  I  guess  its  better  to  just  let  the  whole 
affair  drop  right  here. 

They  sprung  a  new  one  on  us  last  night.  Word 
come  from  the  head  quarters  that  everybody  had 
to  learn  to  sing  and  last  night  was  the  first  lesson 
and  they  was  about  3000  of  us  and  the  teacher 
was  a  bird  named  Nevin  and  he  got  up  in  front 
and  started  out  on  Keep  the  home  fires  burning 
and  said  we  was  to  all  join  in.  Well  Al  for  some 
reason  another  everybody  but  he  had  the  lockjaw 
and  as  far  as  we  was  concerned  the  fires  would  of 
all  died  out.  Most  of  our  gang  is  from  Chi  where 
they  leave  takeing  care  of  the  furnace  to  the 
janitor.  He  tried  2  or  3  other  songs  but  we  was 
all  deaf  and  dumb  mutes  and  he  finely  give  up 
and  says  he  would  try  some  other  time  when  the 
cat  didn't  have  a  hold  of  our  tongue  so  on  the 
way  back  to  quarters  everybody  cut  loose  and 
sung  and  you  could  of  heard  us  in  Beloit.  We 
got  a  lot  of  good  singers  right  in  our  Co.  that  can 
hit  the  minors  to  but  we  are  not  going  to  bust 
out  on  no  teacher's  say  so  like  we  was  in  kinder- 
garden  or  something. 

Well  Al  I  am  going  to  break  into  a  new  game 
football.  They  are  getting  up  a  club  here  in 
camp  to  play  against  the  Great  Lakes  navy  and 
the  Camp  Custer  club  up  in  Mich,  and  they  want 
all  the  men  thats  played  football  to  come  out 
and  try  for  the  club  here.     Well  I  never  played 


112  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

but  I  told  them  I  did  and  they  won't  know  the 
difference  when  they  see  me  because  when  a  man 
is  a  born  athelete  they  can  play  any  game  and 
especially  a  college  Willy  boy  game  like  football. 
I  seen  one  of  their  college  games  out  to  the  uni- 
versity in  Chi  once  and  a  man  built  like  I  could 
of  made  a  sucker  out  of  both  clubs. 

The  capt.  of  the  camp  club  here  is  Capt.  Whit- 
ing and  he  played  with  the  university  of  Chi  and 
they  got  some  other  would  be  stars  like  Shiverick 
that  played  with  the  Ithaca  club  down  east  and 
Schobinger  or  something  from  Champlain  college 
here  in  111.  and  a  man  from  Princeton  name  Eddy 
something.  Well  I  will  show  them  something  be- 
fore I  get  through  with  them  because  an  athelete 
has  got  to  be  born  and  you  can't  make  them  out 
of  college  Willy  boys  that  stays  up  all  night 
doing  the  foxy  trot  and  gets  stewed  on  chocolate 
and  whip  cream. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Nov.  10. 

77^  RIEND  AL:     Well  Al  I  suppose  you  read  in 
"^  the  papers  about  that  troop  train  that  a 

gang  of  spys  tried  to  wreck  it  and  it  was  a  train 
full  of  burglars  from  here  that  we  sent  down  to 
Camp  Logan  to  fill  up  the  national  guards  and  the 
papers  made  out  like  the  people  that  tried  to 
wreck  it  was  pro  German  spys  but  if  you  had 
of  seen  the  birds  that  was  on  the  train  you 
wouldn't  believe  it  because  they  wouldn't  no  Ger- 
mans waist  their  time  on  them  because  they  will 
all  kill  each  other  anyway  before  they  get  to 
France.  One  of  the  birds  on  it  was  Shorty  Lahey 
that  I  all  ready  told  you  about  him  and  when 
the  national  guards  sees  him  they  will  just  about 
declare  war  against  Camp  Grant. 

Well  Al  you  remember  me  writeing  to  you  about 
that  little  girl  down  in  Texas  that  sent  me  the 
note  in  the  sox.  Well  I  got  to  thinking  it  over 
and  the  more  I  thought  about  it  I  got  to  think- 
ing that  it  wasn't  the  square  thing  to  not  pay  no 
attention  to  her  when  she  maybe  wore  her  hands 
to  the  bone  and  strained  her  eyes  so  as  my  feet 
would  keep  warm  so  finely  I  set  down  and  answered 

113 


114  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

her  back  and  I  didn't  say  nothing  mushy  of  course 
but  just  a  friendly  note  to  let  her  know  I  re- 
ceived the  SOX  and  I  told  her  they  was  a  perfect 
fit  and  I  asked  her  where  it  was  she  ever  seen  me 
or  my  picture  or  how  she  come  to  pick  me  out 
and  I  didn't  tell  her  nothing  about  being  married 
because  what  would  be  the  use  of  hurting  her  and 
they  can't  be  no  harm  done  because  we  will  never 
meet  and  as  soon  as  she  writes  and  tells  me  where 
she  seen  me  that  will  end  it.  But  I  just  couldn't 
stand  it  to  think  of  the  poor  kid  running  to  the 
door  every  time  the  mail  man  come  and  maybe 
crying  when  they  wasn't  nothing  for  her.  I  guess 
Florrie  wouldn't  have  no  objections  under  the  cir- 
cumstances but  if  she  did  find  out  and  start  to 
ball  me  out  I  would  tell  her  to  take  a  jump  in  the 
lake  because  she  never  even  mended  me  a  pair 
of  SOX  to  say  nothing  about  knit  them.  I  also 
asked  the  girl  to  send  me  a  picture  of  herself 
because  it  tickles  them  to  be  asked  for  their  pic- 
ture and  of  course  as  soon  as  I  get  it  I  will  tear 
it  up  but  she  won't  know  that. 

Well  Al  I  decided  to  not  play  on  the  football 
club  here  after  all.  In  the  1st.  place  theys  3  or 
4  privates  trying  for  the  club  and  I  don't  believe 
in  mixing  up  with  them  to  much  and  if  Whiting 
and  them  other  officers  wants  to  all  right,  but 
that  don't  make  it  all  right  in  my  mind.     And 


3  or  4  of  us  bumped  into  each  other  and  I  got 
a  kick  in  the  head  (p.  117). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER         117 

besides  I  figured  it  wasn't  fair  to  either  myself 
or  Capt.  Nash  to  run  the  risk  of  getting  hurt  in 
some  fool  game  to  say  nothing  about  learning  a 
lot  of  fool  signals  that  don't  mean  nothing  but 
just  learning  them  takes  up  your  time  that  you 
ought  to  spend  thinking  how  to  improve  your 
command.  And  another  thing  the  minute  they 
started  to  practice  I  seen  they  didn't  know  the 
^ame  and  they  will  get  licked  every  time  they 
play  and  I  can't  stand  to  be  with  a  looser.  They 
talked  about  what  a  great  kicker  this  Shiverick 
is  but  I  watched  him  trying  to  kick  gools  and  he 
missed  3  out  of  10  and  one  of  them  rolled  right 
along  the  ground  like  a  baby  had  kicked  it. 

Capt.  Whiting  come  up  to  me  when  I  come  out 
on  the  field  and  asked  me  my  name  and  etc.  and 
what  position  did  I  play  and  I  told  him  center 
rush  or  tackle  back  it  didn't  make  no  difference. 
So  he  asked  me  what  college  I  played  at  and  I 
told  him  Harvard  which  was  the  1st.  thing  that 
come  into  my  head.  So  he  says  "All  right  we 
need  a  good  tackle  back  so  you  can  play  there 
now  in  signal  practice"  so  they  lined  up  and  I 
stood  back  of  the  center  rush  and  they  called 
out  some  numbers  and  throwed  the  ball  to  one  of 
them  and  3  or  4  of  us  bumped  into  each  other 
and  fell  down  and  I  got  a  bad  kick  in  the  head 
but  it  wasn't  bad  enough  to  make  me  quit  but 


118  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

what  Is  the  use  of  takcing  chances.  They  can 
have  their  football  Al  if  they  want  to  waist  the 
govt,  time  but  I  got  enough  to  think  about  think- 
ing about  winning  this  war. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Nov.  14. 

T?RIEND  AL:  Well  this  was  our  day  out  to 
-*•  the  rifle  range  and  I'll  say  Secty.  Daniels 

better  hurry  up  and  send  some  teachers  here  that 
knows  their  business.  But  wait  till  you  hear 
about  it. 

In  the  1st.  place  it  was  a  rotten  day  and  a  bad 
wund  and  so  dark  you  couldn't  hardly  see  and 
they  ought  not  to  of  made  anybody  try  to  shoot. 
Well  they  had  some  targets  that  they  said  was 
100  yds.  from  where  we  was  to  shoot  from  but  it 
was  more  like  y^  oi  a.  mile  and  they  said  100 
yds.  so  we  would  think  it  was  closer.  Well  the 
idear  was  that  ecch  guy  was  to  shoot  10  times  and 
if  you  hit  the  target  it  counted  1  pt.  and  if  you 
hit  the  bulls  eye  it  counted  5  pts.  so  if  you  hit 
the  bulla  eye  every  time  you  got  50  pts.  but  no- 
body in  the  world  could  do  that  the  way  they 
made  us  shoot.  What  do  you  think  of  them  make- 
ing  a  man  lay  on  their  stomach  to  shoot  instead 
of  standing  up  and  I  suppose  if  the  Germans  got 
100  yds.  from  us  we  would  a^I  lay  there  like  we 
had  a  stomache  and  let  them  come.  Somebody 
said  we  layed  that  way  so  as  to  give  them  less 
mark  to  shoot  at.     How  is  that  for  fine  dope.f* 

119 


120  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

Because  if  you  was  laying  on  your  stomach  face- 
ing  them  and  they  hit  you  at  all  they  couldn't 
hit  you  nowheres  only  in  the  head  and  kill  jou 
where  if  you  was  standing  up  straight  they  would 
be  more  hbel  to  hit  you  anywheres  except  in  the 
head  and  maybe  you  would  get  off  with  a  flesh 
wound  or  something. 

Well  1  of  the  smart  aleck  lieuts.  started  out 
and  hit  the  bulls  eye  8  times  and  the  target  the 
other  2  times  and  that  give  him  42  and  he  swelled 
up  like  a  poison  pup  but  the  way  the  wind  was 
blowing  you  could  tell  it  was  just  a  accident  be- 
cause if  he  had  of  really  shot  at  the  target  the 
wind  would  of  carried  his  shots  to  hell  and  gone 
away  from  it  but  what  he  done  was  shoot  with 
his  eyes  shut  and  the  wind  done  the  rest  of  it 
for  him.  So  some  of  the  other  boys  shot  and 
some  of  them  had  a  lot  of  luck  and  Red  Sampson 
got  38  and  finely  it  come  my  turn  and  I  was  dizzy 
from  something  I  eat  and  besides  by  that  time 
it  was  so  dark  you  couldn't  hardly  make  out 
where  the  target  was  and  I  was  all  cramped  up 
laying  there  but  at  that  I  just  missed  the  bulls 
eye  the  1st.  time  and  finely  quit  with  8.  So  after- 
wards Red  Sampson  asked  me  how  it  come  I 
didn't  have  a  expert  rifle  shooter's  meddle  on  me 
trying  to  kid  me.  So  I  said  "I  never  had  to  shoot 
for  a  liveing  because  I  could  go  out  and  pitch 
baseball  and  make  real  money  where  a  man  like 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER         121 

you  every  time  the  family  wanted  meat  for  dinner 
they  would  send  you  out  to  shoot  a  snake  or  a 
tom  cat  or  something."  So  it  was  him  that  got 
kidded. 

Well  Al  I  will  be  shooting  with  the  best  of  them 
as  soon  as  I  get  the  nack  and  when  they  get  a 
man  here  to  learn  us  that  knows  his  business  and 
pick  out  a  day  when  the  wind  ain't  blowing  a  mile 
a  minute  and  pitch  dark. 

I  haven't  had  no  answer  from  that  little  girl 
down  in  Texas  and  I  hope  she  has  got  over  her 
infatuation  and  decided  to  forget  me. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Nov.  17. 

rpRIEND  AL:  WeU  Al  what  do  you  think  I 
got  a  letter  from  the  girHe  down  in  Texas 
and  the  poor  kid  has  gone  crazy  over  me  and  I 
only  wish  they  was  some  way  to  stop  her  because 
of  course  it  has  got  to  end  right  here  and  I  will 
just  have  to  drop  her  a  line  and  tell  her  the  truth 
that  I  am  a  married  man  and  the  best  thing  she 
can  do  is  try  and  forget.  But  I  am  afraid  it 
will  be  pretty  hard  for  her  and  I  only  wish  she 
hadn't  never  seen  or  heard  about  me. 

For  some  reason  another  she  won't  tell  me 
where  it  was  she  seen  me  or  she  won't  send  me 
no  picture  because  she  says  I  might  show  it  to 
the  boys  and  laugh  over  that  little  girl  down  in 
Texas  and  of  course  I  wouldn't  do  nothing  like 
that  and  she  wouldn't  think  so  if  she  knew  me 
better.    Here  is  what  her  letter  says. 

My  Soldier  Boy,  so  you  are  an  officer  now. 
Well  that  is  just  grand  and  I  feel  all  the  hap- 
pier and  prouder  to  hear  from  you.  No  Soldier 
Boy  I  won't  tell  you  where  I  saw  you.  You  will 
just  have  to  guess.     Don't  you  remember  that 

day  at ?    If  you  don't  I  won't  tell  you.    And 

I  won't  send  you  my  photo  because  I  know  what 

123 


124  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

soldier  bo3^s  are.  You  would  show  it  to  every- 
body in  camp  and  you  would  all  have  a  good 
laugh  over  the  little  f — 1  woman  down  in  Texas 
who  is  fond  of  you.  Well  Boy  we  will  probably 
never  see  each  other  unless  you  should  happen  to 
be  sent  to  one  of  the  camps  down  here.  Is  there 
any  chance  of  that  Soldier  Boy?  So  you  quit  a 
job  in  the  big  league  to  fight  for  Uncle  Sam? 
That  was  fine  of  you  and  makes  me  all  the  prouder 
to  have  your  friendship.  I  am  glad  you  like  the 
hose  I  knitted  for  you.  Do  you  want  some  more 
or  can  I  make  you  a  helmet  or  a  sweater  or  some- 
thing? Just  say  what  you  need  and  I  will  make 
my  needles  fly  to  furnish  you  with  it.  And  write 
to  me  soon.  We  are  so  far  apart  that  it  takes 
your  letters  days  and  days  to  reach  me.  Au 
revoir  for  this  time  Big  Boy. 

Well  Al  I  can't  remember  to  save  my  soul  where 
it  was  I  and  she  could  of  met.  Maybe  I  could 
if  she  had  of  put  the  name  of  the  town  in  her 
letter  but  she  just  left  a  dash  hke  I  copied  it.  I 
been  trying  to  think  up  all  the  girls  I  met  in 
different  towns  while  I  was  with  the  ball  club  and 
I  can  remember  a  lot  of  them  but  nobody  named 
Chase  but  of  course  she  might  of  give  me  a  fake 
name  the  time  we  met. 

Well  as  I  say  theys  only  the  1  thing  to  do  and 
that  is  drop  her  a  line  and  say  how  things  stand 
with  me  and  for  her  to  forget  about  me.      Its 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER         125 

mighty  nice  of  her  to  offer  to  knit  me  them  other 
articles  but  of  course  I  can't  ask  her  to  under 
the  circumstances  and  all  I  can  do  is  just  to  call 
it  off  or  maybe  it  would  be  better  to  not  write  to 
her  back  but  just  leave  her  guess  the  truth  only 
I  am  afraid  she  would  think  I  was  a  bum  to  not 
acknollege  her  letter.  I  wish  they  was  somebody 
to  advice  me  what  to  do  but  I  guess  I  can't  look 
for  no  help  from  you  along  those  lines  eh  Al? 
You  never  had  them  looseing  their  heads  and 
makeing  garments  for  you  and  etc. 

I  pretty  near  forgot  to  tell  you  that  these 
college  Willy  boys  got  cleaned  up  9  to  6  in  their 
game  with  the  sailors  from  the  Great  Lakes  and 
the  sailors  made  a  monkey  out  of  them  and  they 
wasn't  a  kid  on  the  sailors  club  that  is  20  yrs. 
old.  I  bet  Capt.  Whiting  would  of  gave  his  right 
eye  for  a  good  husky  tackle  back  when  them 
sailors  was  pushing  his  Willys  around  the  field. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Nov.  22. 

Jl^RIEND  AL:  Well  they  have  just  sent  away 
"*•  another   train   load  of   the   boys   to   1   of 

the  national  guards  and  if  they  keep  it  up  we 
won't  have  more  then  30  or  40  left  to  a  Co.  I  wish 
I  was  with  the  boys  that  went  but  theys  no  chance 
of  that  because  they  are  keeping  the  best  men 
here  so  as  we  will  be  all  together  when  they  get 
ready  to  send  us  across.  And  it  looks  like  I 
won't  be  able  to  get  into  the  officers  training 
camp  because  I  heard  today  that  they  won't 
leave  nobody  in  that  can't  talk  all  the  languages 
of  the  ally  countrys.  Red  Sampson  heard  2  of 
the  lieuts.  talking  about  it  and  1  of  them  was 
saying  how  even  the  college  boys  would  have  to 
hustle  between  now  and  Jan.  because  while  most 
of  them  could  talk  French  and  Italian  they  was 
very  few  colleges  where  you  can  learn  Roman 
and  Australian  and  etc.  so  it  looks  like  I  would 
be  bared  out  because  while  I  might  pick  up  the 
French  and  maybe  1  or  2  others  I  couldn't  pos- 
sibly master  8  or  9  languages  in  hardly  a  month 
you  might  say.  I  don't  know  what  the  idear  is 
but  it  probably  come  from  the  same  guy  that 
makes  you  shoot  laying  on  your  stomach. 

Speaking   about   a   month   my   month   without 
leave  is  pretty  near  up  and  I  am  figureing  on 

127 


128  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

going  to  Chi  the  1st.  of  Dec.  and  see  Flcrrie  and 
little  Al  though  for  all  as  I  know  they  both  may 
be  dead  because  Florrie  won't  never  suffer  from 
writers  cramp  on  my  acct.  I  have  asked  her  2 
or  3  times  to  come  out  for  Sunday  and  bring  the 
kid  but  no  its  always  to  cold  or  she  has  got  com- 
pany comeing  for  dinner  ov  1  thing  another. 

Sometimes  I  pretty  near  wish  I  had  a  wife  like 
Sebastian's  thats  so  homely  you  can't  hardly  look 
at  her  but  still  and  all  you  get  a  chance  to  once 
in  a  while. 

Well  I  wrote  to  that  poor  kid  down  in  Texas 
and  told  her  I  didn't  want  to  bother  her  to  make 
me  a  helmet  or  a  sweater  but  I  all  ready  got  a 
helmet.  I  didn't  have  the  heart  to  tell  her  about 
Florrie  or  tell  her  to  quit  writeing  to  me  but  I 
give  her  a  kind  of  a  hint  that  I  was  to  busy  to 
spend  much  time  writeing  letters  and  I  hope  she 
don't  try  and  keep  up  a  correspondence  because 
it  can't  do  neither  of  us  no  good  and  the  best 
way  would  be  for  us  to  both  forget  it  and  of 
course  that  wouldn't  be  no  trouble  for  me  but  I 
am  afraid  a  girl  don't  forget  so  easy. 

Well  Al  this  ain't  what  you  might  call  a  happy 
letter  but  I  don't  know  no  good  news  to  write  only 
they  have  gave  up  our  choir  practice  as  a  bad 
job  and  we  don't  have  to  worry  no  more  about 
letting  the  fires  go  out. 

Your  pal,  Jack. 


Camp  Grant,  Dec.  2. 

T^RIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  just  got  back  from 
Chi  and  of  all  the  tough  luck  a  man  ever 
had  I  had  it. 

You  remember  me  telling  you  about  the  last 
time  I  come  back  from  my  leave  and  I  got  in  late 
and  Capt.  Nash  says  I  couldn't  have  no  more 
leave  for  a  month.  Well  the  month  was  up  Friday 
and  I  had  it  fixed  so  as  I  could  go  to  Chi  Saturday 
A.  M.  with  the  gang  that  was  going  to  the  foot- 
ball game  between  our  club  and  Camp  Custer  and 
the  only  ones  that  was  allowed  to  go  was  the  ones 
that  had  boughten  tickets  to  the  game  so  I  bought 
a  ticket  though  I  didn't  have  no  intentions  of 
waisting  my  time  out  to  no  Willy  boy  football 
game. 

Well  we  got  to  Chi  about  noon  and  we  had  to 
march  all  over  town  and  everybody  stood  on  the 
sidewalks  and  cheered  us  to  the  ecco  and  I  couldn't 
get  away  from  the  bunch  till  the  parade  was  over 
though  I  don't  enjoy  marching  and  have  every- 
body stare  at  you  but  when  it  was  over  I  beat 
it  for  home.  Well  I  hadn't  said  nothing  to  Florrie 
about  comeing  because  I  wanted  to  surprise  her 
and  I  thought  of  course  little  AI  and  the  Swede 

129 


130  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

would  be  home  and  I  and  little  Al  could  walk 
in  on  Florrie  over  to  the  beauty  parlor  and  sur- 
prise her,  but  when  I  got  to  the  flat  and  rung 
the  bell  they  wasn't  no  answer  and  I  rung  and 
rung  and  finely  I  seen  they  wasn't  nobody  home  so 
I  went  to  the  beauty  parlor  and  1  of  the  girls  there 
told  bo  that  Florrie  was  takeing  the  P.  M.  ofif  and 
wouldji't  be  back  till  Monday  A.  M. 

So  I  went  back  to  the  flat  and  looked  for  the 
janitor  to  let  me  in  and  when  you  don't  want 
janitors  they  are  abvays  snooping  around  at 
your  coat  tails  but  when  you  do  want  them  they 
are  hideing  in  the  ash  bbl.  or  something.  So  it 
took  me  about  a  hour  to  find  this  bird  and  an- 
other hour  to  get  him  to  open  the  door  up  for 
me  and  of  course  they  wasn't  nobody  home  so 
the  janitor  says  maybe  I  could  find  out  where 
they  went  from  the  neighbors  so  I  rung  the  woman 
across  the  hall's  bell  and  she  come  to  the  door.  So 
I  said  "I'm  Corp.  Keefe  and  I  wanted  to  know  if 
you  knew  where  is  my  wife  and  kid."  So  she  says 
"They  went  out."  Well  Al  I  suppose  I  didn't 
know  they  had  went  out  and  I  felt  like  saying  to 
her  "Oh  I  thought  they  might  maybe  of  crawled 
in  between  the  wall  paper  to  take  a  nap  or  I 
thought  maybe  they  might  of  left  the  stopper  out 
of  the  bath  tub  and  got  drained  off  or  something." 
But  I  just  asked  her  did  she  know  where  they 
went  and  she  said  she  didn't. 


As  we  marched,  everybody  stood  on  the  side  wallsa 
and  cheered  us  to  the  ecco  (p.  129). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER         133 

Well  I  seen  she  didn't  know  nothing  about  them 
or  probably  nothing  else  so  I  went  back  in  the 
flat  and  waited  and  waited  and  it  come  along  5 
o'clock  and  I  called  up  a  saloon  over  on  Indiana 
and  asked  them  to  fetch  me  over  a  doz,  bottles 
of  beer  and  I  had  2  of  them  and  then  went  out 
to  a  restaurant  and  had  supper  and  come  back 
and  nobody  home  yet.  Well  to  make  a  short  story 
out  of  it  I  finished  the  beer  up  and  finely  went  to 
bed  and  I  didn't  know  nothing  more  till  9  A.  M. 
this  morning  when  the  Swede  come  snooping  into 
the  room  and  seen  me  and  let  out  a  screem  and 
beat  it  and  I  got  up  and  dressed  and  went  in  the 
kitchen  and  she  said  Florrie  had  took  little  Al 
somewheres  to  stay  all  night  with  some  friends 
and  give  the  Swede  permission  to  go  to  a  ski 
jumpers  dance  out  to  Berwyn  and  Florrie  would 
be  home  about  11. 

Well  Florrie  come  strutting  in  with  the  kid 
about  12  looking  like  she  hadn't  done  nothing 
out  of  the  way  and  when  she  seen  me  she  squeeled 
and  come  romping  over  for  a  kiss.  Well  Al  she 
didn't  get  it.  I  kissed  little  Al  aU  right  but  I 
didn't  see  where  she  had  a  right  to  expect  favors. 
Well  she  seen  how  things  stood  and  begin  trying 
to  explain  something  about  spending  the  P.  M. 
down  town  shopping  and  then  going  to  a  show 
with  some  friends  of  hers  on  the  north  side  and 
they  left  little  Al  in  charge  of  the  nurse  at  the 


134  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

friends  and  they  both  stayed  there  all  night  and 
why  didn't  I  tell  her  I  would  be  home  so  as  she 
could  have  changed  her  plans  and  etc.  So  I  said 
"Yes  you  are  a  fine  wife  and  mother  running 
around  town  with  a  bunch  of  bums  and  leave  your 
kid  all  alone  in  charge  of  a  nurse  that  you  don't 
know  nothing  about  her  and  for  all  as  you  know 
she  might  of  cut  his  ears  off  like  a  Belgium." 
Well  I  was  sore  and  I  give  her  a  good  balling  out 
and  of  course  it  wound  up  like  usual  with  her 
busting  out  crying  and  then  they  wasn't  nothing 
for  me  to  do  only  say  I  didn't  mean  what  I  had 
been  saying  and  we  had  dinner  and  maybe  every- 
thing would  of  been  O.  K.  only  we  hadn't  no 
sooner  gotten  up  from  the  table  when  in  come 
1/^  of  the  south  side  and  their  wifes  to  call.  Well 
they  wasn't  none  of  them  I  ever  seen  before  or 
ever  want  to  see  them  again  and  they  was  all 
friends  of  Florrie's  and  2  of  the  ladys  was  cus- 
tomers of  hers  so  she  didn't  dare  tell  them  to  get 
the  h — ^11  out  of  there  and  a  Mrs.  Crane  and  a 
Mrs.  Somebody  else  picked  on  me  and  got  me  in 
a  pocket  on  the  Davenport  and  they  didn't  even 
have  sence  enough  to  call  me  Corporal  but  it  was 
Mr.  Keefe  this  and  Mr.  Keefe  that  and  when  did 
I  think  the  war  would  end  and  wasn't  the  Ger- 
mans awful  and  how  many  men  did  we  have  in 
France  and  when  was  I  going  and  so  on.  And 
Mrs.  Crane  said  her  and  all  her  friends  was  so 


One  of  the  girls  there  told  me  Florrie  was  taking 
the  P.M.  oil  (p.  130). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER         137 

jealous  of  Mrs.  Keefe  because  her  husband  was 
a  soldier  so  I  said  I  had  heard  they  was  room  in 
some  of  the  camps  for  a  few  more  husbands  and 
Mrs.  Crane  said  her  husband  had  tried  his  hardest 
to  get  into  something  but  he  had  bad  teeth  so  I 
said  why  didn't  he  try  and  get  into  some  good 
dentist  office.  But  they  wasn't  no  way  I  could 
get  them  mad  enough  to  go  home  till  5  o'clock 
then  I  and  Florrie  and  the  kid  had  just  a  hour 
together  before  I  had  to  beat  it  for  the  train. 

Well  Al  I  won't  get  no  more  leave  off  till  Xmas 
and  maybe  not  then  but  what  is  the  use  any  way 
when  your  wife  gives  you  a  welcome  like  that  and 
all  together  it  was  a  fine  trip  and  I  won't  never  try 
and  take  nobody  by  surprise  aftei:  jfchis  but  at 
that  why  couldn't  she  of  stayed  Home  where  a 
woman  belongs. 

My  train  was  jamed  comeing  back  tonight  and 
I  don't  know  where  they  got  it  but  everybody 
was  oiled  up  and  celebrating  about  beating  Camp 
Custer  in  the  football  game  and  I'll  say  Camp 
Custer  must  be  a  home  for  cripples  or  some- 
thing if  that's  the  kind  of  a  football  club  they 
turn  out  any  way  I  bet  they  ain't  no  room  to 
dance  in  the  guard  house  tonight. 

Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Geant,  Dec.  4. 

TJ^  RIEND  AL:  I  guess  I  was  so  full  of  my 
■^  swell  visit  home  when  I  wrote  you  the  last 

time  that  I  forgot  about  telling  you  about  that 
little  girlie  down  in  Texas.  Well  Al  they  isn't 
much  to  tell  only  that  I  got  another  letter  from 
her  though  I  as  good  as  told  her  I  wished  she 
wouldn't  write  me  no  more  but  she  wrote  any  way 
and  she  says  she  can't  forget  me  and  theys  no 
use  asking  her  to  and  she  wouldn't  tell  me  where 
it  was  we  seen  each  other  and  they  was  no  use 
me  asking  her.  It  looks  from  her  letter  like  she 
was  getting  in  deeper  every  day  and  I  don't  know 
what  will  be  the  end  of  it  all  and  if  she  done 
anything  to  herself  on  my  acct.  I  would  feel  like 
a  murder  though  of  course  a  man  can't  help  how 
they  look  or  what  a  girl  thinks  about  them  but 
still  and  all  you  can't  help  from  feeling  like  you 
was  to  blame. 

I  guess  the  best  way  to  do  is  just  not  answer 
her  letter  and  hope  for  the  best  and  hope  she 
won't  do  nothing  rash. 

Well  Al  I  started  out  to  write  you  a  long  letter 
but  I  am  to  wore  out  and  I  guess  anybody  would 
be  after  what  we  went  through  today.     It  was 

139 


140  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

the  coldest  day  I  ever  seen  so  they  picked  it  out 
for  us  to  go  on  a  19  mile  hike  and  if  you  could 
see  the  roads  around  here  you  would  know  what 
that  means  and  they  can  talk  all  they  want  to 
about  how  the  men  suffers  in  France  but  I  would 
rather  go  out  in  the  middle  of  Nobody's  Land 
and  start  a  mumblety  peg  game  then  take  another 
of  these  dam  hikes  with  the  weather  a  million  be- 
low zero  and  the  road  full  of  rutts  as  big  as  the 
grand  canion. 

If  it  hadn't  been  for  setting  a  example  to  my 
command  I  believe  I  would  of  pretended  like  I 
was  sick  and  when  you  are  sick  they  make  some- 
body else  carry  your  junk  and  leave  you  ride  in  a 
wagon  thats  O.  K.  for  a  private  that  don't  care 
what  the  rest  of  them  think  of  him  but  a  corporal 
has  got  to  keep  going  and  try  to  keep  his  men 
going  and  when  you  got  a  bunch  of  sap  heads 
like  mine  it  keeps  a  man  on  the  jump  to  tend  to 
them.  Red  Sampson  was  so  bad  that  I  had  to 
keep  after  him  all  the  while  and  finely  I  pulled 
a  good  one  on  him  I  said  "Sampson  everybody  in 
the  whole  regt.  is  out  of  step  but  you."  So  the 
rest  of  them  give  him  the  laugh  but  he  can't  take 
a  joke  no  matter  how  good  it  is  so  he  says  "I 
haven't  heard  that  one  since  they  fought  with 
spears."  So  I  said  "You  get  in  step  and  show  a 
little  life  or  I'll  spear  you." 

WeU  its   all  over  now  any  way   and   I  don't 


Yes  you  are  a  fine  Wife  aod  Mother  running 

around  town  and  leave  your  Kid 

all  alone  (p.  134). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER         143 

suppose  they  will  send  us  out  again  till  theys  a 
big  blizzard  or  something  and  then  they  will  march 
us  to  Canada  or  somewheres  for  a  little  work  out. 

Your   pal, 

Jack, 


Camp  Grant,  Dec.  7. 

TZ^RIEND  AL:  Well  Al  I  got  some  big  news 
■^  for  you.  The  govt,  have  changed  their 
plans  all  around  and  decided  after  this  to  send 
the  best  men  from  the  national  army  to  fill  up 
the  national  guards  and  that  means  theys  a  big 
bunch  of  us  leaveing  soon  for  Camp  Logan  down 
in  Texas  and  the  officers  say  we  musent  spiU 
nothing  about  it  that  is  when  we  are  going  be- 
cause if  the  pro  German  spys  ever  found  out  that 
our  bunch  was  going  down  there  they  would 
spread  the  rails  and  turn  switches  on  us  and  prob- 
ably put  torpedos  on  the  track  or  something.  So 
all  as  I  can  say  is  that  you  won't  hear  from  me 
here  no  more  and  I  can't  tell  you  what  units  we 
wiU  be  in  because  we  haven't  got  no  official  notice 
yet  and  all  as  I  know  is  what  some  of  the  boys 
heard  that  we  would  be  in  Col.  House's  regt.  I 
thought  when  I  1st.  heard  the  news  that  it  meant 
We  would  be  starting  for  France  pretty  quick 
and  of  course  I  didn't  stop  to  think  that  they 
have  closed  up  navigations  for  the  winter. 

Well  Al  I  am  glad  we  are  going  somewheres 
for  the  winter  where  it  isn't  so  dam  cold  and  of 
course  I  don't  like  to  be  so  far  away  from  home 
but  maybe  Florrie  can  get  away  and  come  down 
there  and  join  me  for  a  while  and  I  am  going 

145 


146  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

to  have  a  few  hours  off  any  way  to  say  good  bye 
to  little  Al  and  she.  and  I  wish  I  could  see  you 
and  Bertha  before  I  go  especially  you  but  theys 
no  chance  so  good  bye  and  good  luck  to  you  and 
I  will  write  when  I  can. 

I  just  happened  to  think  Al  that  Camp  Logan 
is  in  Texas  and  thats  where  that  little  girl  lives 
but  you  can  bet  I  won't  leave  her  know  where  I 
am  because  in  the  1st.  place  she  would  probably 
be  just  crazy  enough  to  want  to  see  me  or  some- 
thing and  besides  I  wrote  her  a  farewell  note 
yesterday  and  asked  her  wouldn't  she  send  me  her 
picture  because  I  thought  that  would  make  her 
feel  a  little  happier  to  think  I  wanted  her  picture 
even  if  we  don't  keep  on  writeing  letters  and  I 
don't  care  if  she  sends  it  or  not  any  way  if  she 
sent  it  up  here  I  will  probably  be  gone  before 
that  time. 

Well  Al  I  will  be  kind  of  sorry  to  leave  Camp 
Grant  where  all  and  all  we  have  had  a  pretty 
good  time  and  I  guess  Gen.  Martin  and  them 
will  be  sorry  to  see  our  bunch  duck  out  and  they 
will  have  a  fine  bunch  left  when  we  go  but  I  am 
glad  we  won't  freeze  to  death  this  winter  and 
besides  that  they  tell  me  the  national  guards  is 
shy  of  officers  and  maybe  I  may  not  stay  a  cor- 
poral long  after  I  get  there  but  will  get  some- 
thing bigger  though  a  corporal  can't  be  sneezed  at. 

Your   pal,  Jack. 


Camp  Logan,  Dec.  14. 

T7RIEND  AL:    Well  old  pal  here  we  are  in 
**■  sunny  Texas  and  its  been  pretty  cold  so 

far  but  nothing  like  it  was  up  at  Camp  Grant 
and  of  course  it  don't  never  get  as  cold  here  as 
up  there  on  acct.  of  this  being  further  south. 

Well  nothing  happened  to  us  on  the  way  down 
though  of  course  it  would  of  been  good  night  nurse 
if  it  had  got  out  what  road  we  come  on  and  when 
we  left  and  even  at  that  we  seen  some  bad  eggs 
at  several  different  stations  that  looked  like  Ger- 
mans that  might  of  tried  to  pull  something  if  they 
had  a  chance  but  we  watched  them  like  a  hawk 
and  they  was  scared  to  make  a  false  move. 

Well  Al  what  do  you  think  they  have  made 
Shorty  Lahey  a  sargent  down  here  only  thank 
god  he  isn't  in  my  Co.  or  I  would  be  up  in  front 
of  the  court's  marshall  for  murder.  But  him  be- 
ing a  sargent  shows  they  must  of  been  pretty 
hard  up  and  you  can  bet  they  was  tickled  to 
death  to  see  our  bunch  roll  in.  Well  Al  if  he 
can  get  a  sargent  I  will  be  a  gen.  in  a  month.  He 
says  to  me  yesterday  he  says  "Well  old  sport  I 
wish  they  had  of  put  you  in  my  Co.  and  you  woxild 

147 


148  TREAT  *EM  ROUGH 

do  the  rest  of  your  drilling  with  a  dish  towel."    So 
I  said  "Yes  I  would." 

Well  after  thinking  it  over  a  while  I  decided  I 
better  write  to  the  little  girl  and  tell  her  where 
I  was  at  because  I  asked  her  in  my  farewell  note 
for  her  to  send  me  her  picture  of  herself  and  if 
she  sent  it  up  to  Camp  Grant  maybe  1  of  them 
rummys  might  get  a  hold  of  it  and  open  it  up 
and  then  write  back  to  the  girl  and  kid  her  about 
it  and  I  figured  maybe  if  I  let  her  know  I  was 
down  here  that  maybe  she  hadn't  sent  the  picture 
up  there  yet.     But  I  didn't  give  her  no  encourage- 
ment to  write  to  me  here  and  all  I  said  was  that 
if  she  ever  happened  to  be  in  Houston  and  I  hap- 
pened to  be  in  town  on  leave  maybe  we  might 
run  into  each  other  but  I  just  said  that  jokeingly 
because  her  town  is  about  a  100  miles  from  here 
and  what  would  she  be  doing  a  100  miles  from 
home  and  besides  even  if  I  seen  her  on  the  st.  I 
doubt   if  I  would  know  her  though  I   generally 
almost  always  remember  faces  though  I  can't  al- 
ways remember  their  names.     But  if  she  seen  me 
and  spoke  to  me  I  would  pretend  like  I  didn't  hear 
her    and   duck   because    it   would    only   make    it 
tougher  for  her  to  talk  to  me  because  I  would 
have  to  tell  her  the  truth.     But  I  guess  its  all 
over  between  us  now  and  any  way  I  hope  so. 

Your   pal, 

Jack. 


If  he  can  get  a  sargent  I  will  be  a  gen.  in 
a  montJi  (p.  147). 


Camp  Logan,  Dec.  16. 

T^RIEND  AL:  Well  old  pal  I  am  up  against 
a  funny  proposition  now  and  it  isn't  so 
dam  funny  at  that.  Here  is  a  letter  I  received 
this  A.  M.  from  that  girlie,  I  will  copy  it  down. 
"Soldier  Boy,  so  we  are  going  to  meet  at  last. 
Yes  we  are,  that  is  if  you  want  it  to  happen.  My 
aunt  in  Houston  has  been  wanting  me  to  come 
there  for  months,  but  not  till  now  have  I  really 
wanted  to.  You  know  why  I  do  now,  don't  you 
Soldier  Boy?  You  say  it  is  easier  for  you  to 
get  off  Sundays.  All  right.  Will  you  meet  me 
in  the  lobby  of  the  Rice  Hotel  a  week  from  today 
at  one  in  the  afternoon.  I  will  let  you  take  me 
to  dinner  and  we  can  talk  things  over.  We  have 
a  lot  to  say  to  each  other,  haven't  we  Soldier 
Boy?  Write  me  at  once  and  say  you  will  meet 
me.  I  can  hardly  wait  to  get  your  reply  and  if 
you  disappoint  me  I  will  do  something  to  make 
you  sorry.  But  you  won't  will  you?  I  am  just 
finishing  your  sweater  and  will  bring  it  to  you." 

Well  Al  when  the  letter  come  I  had  a  notion  to 
write  to  her  back  and  tell  her  to  not  come  but  in 
her  letter  she  said  she  would  do  something  to 
make  me  sorry  and  I  am  afraid  of  what  she  would 

151 


152  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

do  and  if  she  done  something  rash  I  would  feel 
like  it  was  my  fault  and  besides  if  she  has  got 
a  sweater  pretty  near  made  for  me  it  would  be 
kind  of  mean  to  of  made  her  do  all  that  work  for 
nothing  and  besides  a  man  needs  a  sweater  a  lot 
of  times  even  down  here  and  I  was  going  to  buy 
one  because  I  didn't  have  no  idear  she  was  make- 
ing  one  for  me.  So  I  figure  the  best  way  to  do 
is  to  tell  her  I  will  meet  her  and  I  will  take  her 
somewheres  to  dinner  and  while  we  are  at  dinner 
I  can  tell  her  the  truth  about  me  being  married 
and  it  will  be  much  better  to  tell  her  to  her  face 
then  write  it  in  a  letter  because  it  would  sound 
pretty  hard  in  black  and  white  but  the  only  thing 
is  we  have  got  to  find  some  quite  spot  so  as  if  she 
makes  a  seen  or  something  they  won't  be  no  crowd 
around  to  pop  their  eyes  out  at  us.  But  I  hope 
she  is  a  game  bird  and  will  take  it  O.K.  and  I'm 
sorry  now  I  didn't  tell  her  in  the  1st.  place  and 
I  wish  she  wasn't  comeing  and  I  sometimes  wish  I 
was  a  little  scrimp  or  ugly  so  as  a  girl  wouldn't 
look  at  me  twice  and  between  you  and  I  Al  it 
isn't  all  a  bed  of  roses  to  be  like  I  am. 

I  will  write  and  tell  you  how  I  come  out  but  I 
am  to  exited  to  write  any  more  now  and  I  wish 
they  was  some  way  I  could  get  out  of  it  all  with- 
out leaveing  no  scars. 

Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Houston,  Tex.,  Dec.  24. 

jrp  RIEND  AL:  I  bet  you  will  pop  your  eyes 
-^  out  when  you  read  this  letter  and  read 

what  I  got  to  tell  you.  I  will  begin  at  the  begin- 
ning and  tell  you  what  come  off  so  as  you  will 
know  what  come  off. 

Saturday  I  pretty  near  made  up  my  mind  that 
it  would  be  better  for  me  to  not  see  Miss  Chase 
so  when  I  asked  for  leave  for  yesterday  I  hoped 
they  wouldn't  give  it  to  me  but  they  give  it  to 
me  O.K.  so  I  had  to  come  or  it  would  look  funny. 
Well  I  come  into  the  Rice  at  about  6  min.  to  1 
and  looked  around  the  lobby  and  they  was  only 
one  woman  that  was  alone  and  she  was  old  about 
35  and  I  looked  around  and  couldn't  see  no  girl 
that  looked  like  they  was  waiting  for  somebody, 
and  while  I  was  looking  this  woman  I  seen  seen 
me  and  come  over  to  where  I  was  standing.  Well 
Al  I  thought  sure  it  was  the  girl's  aunt  and  she 
had  heard  about  our  date  and  was  going  to  raise 
h — 11  or  something.  Well  this  woman  come  up 
and  says  wasn't  I  Corporal  Keefe.  Well  I  didn't 
know  what  to  say  and  I  kind  of  stalled  and  she 
says  "Was  you  expecting  to  meet  some  one  here?" 
So  I  said  "Yes  I  was  looking  for  a  man."     So 

153 


154  TREAT  'EM  ROUGH 

then  she  kind  of  smirked  and  says  "Well  I  was 
expecting  to  meet  a  man  to  and  I  thought  you  was 
him."  So  I  said  "No  I  guess  you  have  got  the 
wrong  bird." 

Well  Al  everything  would  of  been  O.K.  and  I 
could  of  got  away  O.K.  only  just  when  I  had 
her  beleiving  it  wasn't  me  who  should  come  up 
but  Lefty  Kramer  that  pitchs  in  the  Texas  League 
and  lives  here  and  instead  of  him  just  saying 
*'Hello  Jack"  of  course  he  had  to  say  "Well  if 
here  ain't  old  Jack  Keefe"  and  then  it  was  good 
night.  Well  I  suppose  I  turned  into  all  the  colors 
of  the  rainbow  and  I  didn't  know  what  to  say 
and  then  Lefty  asked  right  out  loud  if  I  wasn't 
going  to  introduce  him  to  the  lady  and  she  spoke 
up  and  said  her  name  Miss  Chase  and  then  I 
had  to  say  something  so  I  said  "Oh  I  didn't 
know  you  was  really  Miss  Chase  or  I  would  of 
acted  different  but  I  thought  you  was  somebody 
else."  So  she  kind  of  give  a  funny  smile  and  says 
"Yes  you  did"  and  then  all  of  a  sudden  I  heard 
little  Al's  voice  right  behind  hollering  "There's 
daddy"  and  I  looked  around  and  it  was  Florrie 
and  little  Al. 

Well  Al  Florrie  come  up  and  kissed  me  right 
in  front  of  the  whole  hotel  and  the  next  thing  I 
know  the  3  of  us  was  away  from  Kramer  and 
the  dame  and  Florrie  was  telling  me  how  she  had 
came  down  to  give  me  a  Xmas  supprise  and  she 


Well  if  here  ain't  old  Jack  Keefe  (p.  154). 


JACK  THE  KAISER  KILLER         157 

is  going  to  stay  about  3  wks.  and  spend  some  of 
the  time  with  her  sister  over  in  Beaumont. 

Well  I  took  a  look  just  as  we  was  going  up  in 
the  elevator  and  Miss  Chase  was  still  standing 
there  yet  with  Kramer  and  she  was  looking  right 
at  me  and  I  couldn't  help  from  feeling  sorry  for 
her  the  way  she  looked  but  a  woman  her  age 
should  ought  to  know  more  then  start  writeing 
letters  to  a  guy  she  never  seen  and  maybe  this 
will  learn  her  a  lesson  and  I  suppose  she  can  give 
her  sweater  to  somebody  else  and  maybe  Kramer 
has  got  it  by  this  time  but  what  he  ought  to  have 
is  a  wallop  in  the  jaw  for  butting  in  but  what  can 
you  expect  from  a  left  hander. 

Well  Al  I  have  got  a  leave  off  for  over  Xmas 
and  I  am  writeing  this  letter  while  Florrie  is  out 
shopping  and  she  asked  me  what  I  wanted  for 
Xmas  and  I  told  her  a  sweater  so  I  won't  loose 
out  after  all. 

Your  pal, 

Jack. 


Camp  Logan,  Jan.  5. 

T7RIEND  AL:  WeU  Al  this  may  be  the  last 
•^  time  you  will  ever  hear  from  me  or  at  least 

for  a  long  time  and  maybe  never.  I'm  going  over 
there  old  pal  and  something  tells  me  I  won't  never 
come  back. 

I  can't  txell  you  what  I  am  going  with  or  when 
we  go  or  where  we  sail  from  because  they  won't 
leave  us  give  out  none  of  that  dope  and  all  as  I 
can  say  is  that  about  30  of  us  has  been  picked 
to  fill  up  a  unit  and  we  leave  here  tomorrow  and 
meet  them  at  the  place  where  we  sail  from.  Well 
Al  its  a  big  honor  to  be  1  of  the  men  picked  and 
it  means  they  have  got  a  lot  of  confidence  in  me 
and  you  can  bet  they  are  not  sending  no  riff  and 
raff  over  there  but  just  picked  men  and  I  will 
show  them  they  didn't  make  no  mistake  in  choos- 
ing me. 

But  its  mighty  tough  to  leave  Florrie  and  little 
Al  and  I  thought  Florrie  would  break  her  heart 
when  I  told  her  and  no  wonder.  But  when  its 
a  question  of  duty  I  am  not  the  kind  that  would 
back  out  and  Florrie  wouldn't  want  me  to  but  its 
hard  all  the  same. 

Well  Al  I  can't  waist  no  more  time  writeing 

159 


160  TREAT  'EM  HOUGH 

to  you  and  I  am  going  to  meet  Florrie  in  Houston 
in  a  little  while  and  it  may  be  for  the  last  time  so 
I  will  say  good  bye  to  you  now  and  say  good  bye 
to  Bertha  for  me  and  she  ought  to  be  thankful 
she  has  got  a  husband  that  stayed  at  home  and 
didn't  enlist.  And  if  we  have  good  luck  and  noth- 
ing happens  to  us  I  will  write  you  once  in  a  while 
from  the  other  side. 

Your  pal, 

Jack, 


i 


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